Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Not a Compliment

So, I was at a birthday dinner for my pal and his fiancee the other night ok? And like, this totally awkward busgirl is like...busing our table or whatever and making super awkward chatting and blah blah...

And she asks how old everyone's turning, and I make some comment like "I was pissed as hell when I found out he was a year younger than me!" and Awkardo The BusGirl was like "ZOMGOSH you look SO MUCH YOUNGER!" so immediately I'm like, OK, we can be friends.

Then my pal counters with a "But I am in fact, much better looking."


Awkwardo the BusGirl: (to me) If it makes you feel better I think you are SO much more attractive than Snooki from The Jersey Shore.

Um. WTF?!?!

Because that in fact means that you were thinking that I was along the lines of Snooki to barging with! An UPGRADED Snooki is still a SNOOKI. I mean COME ON PEOPLE.


ADMITTEDLY...we could possibly be related. And...if I covered myself in spray tan, added extensions and a poof...perhaps we could look slightly very specific lighting and context.


Thanks JERSEY SHORE. My celebrity look-alike USED to be Claudia Cardinale:

Now look what you've done MTV. You've gone and TRASHED me up. What hope is left? I used to be able to cling to the idea that I had an old Hollywood glamour about me.

Alas, no.

My destiny is to grind up on some Guidos in a nasty club and wear incredibly fuzzy slippers.


Oh, and PS? It's the first day of classes for the semester today.


And I look like Snooki.

Just to remind you.

The Undergrads? They don't know Claudia.

They know the Snooks.

It's all over for me.

Thursday, August 19, 2010



I have decided to try to resurrect this bad boy for a couple of reasons...

1. Had an epic day filled with hilarity and general awesome with BoyKing and felt sad that the interwebs would never, ever know...

2. BoyKing basically dared me to, literally saying "I am lighting the FIRE WITHIN YOU!"


I don't know, but I think he likes me blogging so he can link send this link to the ladies and be all "heyyyy....I don't know if you've noticed but I am SO funny and like popular on the interwebs...and like...yeah, like chicks like to BLOG about me and shiz. How you like me NOW?"

So, just to catch you guys up...

You remember that I hit it and quit it in the world of public libraries and returned to school.

I am now working at two professional theatres in arts and education and am SO.MUCH.HAPPIER.


I am also marginally concerned that I will never be able to go the dentist again. Seeing as how having my teeth fall out is my most crippling fear (outside of giant alien man-eating spider babies) this is a bit of gnawing anxiety.


Get it? Like...teeth...gnawing?



I have been auditioning around town a little bit with limited success, but give it time.


Get off my BACK public!



So...I really wanted to go the beach as like a last hurrah to Summer. I'm not sure if you guys know this, but like, Atlanta? Does not have a beach.

The closest beach is Tybee Island at about 4 1/2 hours away. BoyKing and I decided that we would drive to the beach for the day.

Yeah, that's right. The plan was to leave at 6AM, get there at 10, hang out get (and I quote BoyKing here) "tan as fuck", go swimming, and drive home at around 6:30PM.

(unrelated side-note? The singing, animated mouth on the Dairy Queen commercial is NOT OK with me.)

So, after BoyKing was kind enough to put the new tag on my car...

Because I hadn't yet.

Since April.


Anyway...after the student became the master, we headed down the interstate. You should all be aware that Quick Trip already has their hot dogs turning at 5:00am. You should also be aware that instead of actually buying orange juice, BoyKing bought a water into which he poured Crystal Light "Orange Juice" flavored powder.

Once we had decided it was in fact too early for Miley Cyrus and/or singing Broadway showtunes we settled for enduring conversation with one another.

Conversation between the two of us varies between making stupid noises and faces at each other while trying to communicate telepathically OR like epic and devastating discussions of human nature and religion.

So. Showtunes it was! Once we'd sang through 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, Wicked and Sweeney Todd we had basically arrived in Savannah. By Savannah I mean THE GHETTO. I mean, there was a gas station that literally made no bones about calling itself "Shady's". And you guys? It was shady. Legit.

At this point, my GoogleMaps directions fail us, so I have BoyKing call our mutual pal AlyJack who I know has been to Tybee several times. So he gets her on the phone and starts all shootin' the shit and like cracking jokes, and I'm all


AlyJack then steers us in the right direction and we get ourselves out da ghetto and onto Victory Road toward the beach.

Feeling Victorious on Victory, we stop at a Kroger for lunch and ice and other such things that one needs on a one-day beach vacation...

So, first things first I decide that I should like a koozie. So, on our way to the deli I ask an employee where they might be...

Me: Excuse me ma'am, but do you guys have koozies?

KroLady: A Koozie? What's that? Is that a fruit.


Me: No, it has nothing whatsoever to do with produce.

KroLady: [silence]

Me: You know what? Don't worry about it.

But, she then insisted on finding someone who knew what a koozie was. She returned with the answer that they were "sold out." I'm pretty sure that's just KrogerSpeak for "none of us know what a koozie is."

So BoyKing and I go up to the deli to get sandwiches for lunch and there's an old lady there making something with chicken. And we're all "Hey, is it too early to have deli sandwiches made?" She scowled at us, shuffled to the back, screamed "RONNNIIIE!" and then went back to dealing with chicken.

Time passes.

Me: So you think someone is going to make us sandwiches?

BoyKing: Is she ignoring us? I think she's pretending we're not here.

Then, someone sluggishly emerged...presumably Ronnie...donned her latex gloves and PlastiBonnet.

Ronnie: What kyna breh?

Me: Um...can I have a six inch veggie...

Ronnie: What. Kyna. Breh?

Me: Uhhh, whole wheat.

Ronnie: ::slices old crusty loaf of "whole wheat" that is lying exposed on the counter and covers it in lettuce:: You want tomatoes?

Me: Sure...and pickles and yellow peppers...

Ronnie: :::grabs, throws:::

Sidenote? You guys need to understand that this is taking SO LONG that I have begun to laugh uncomfortably.

BoyKing: :::glares:::

Me: Can I also have oil and vinegar? And salt and pepper?

Ronnie: We out of oil and vinegar.

Me: Really?

Ronnie: Mmhmm.

Me: Um. Ok. I'll have mustard then please.

She then pulls like a squeezie mustard thing out from behind some creepy drawer or whatever, and it is like CRUSTY. You guys for REAL. Like, "oh my god I just found this mustard in the back of my fridge and I think it's from our Happy July 4th 2004 cookout party" kind of crusty.

Me: :::gags:::

Boyking: :::shudders:::

Ronnie: :::squeezes:::

No lie you guys? The like MUSTARD WATER gets all over my sandwich. And don't play, I KNOW you know what I mean.


So I like whisper to BoyKing, as she is taking the next 25 minutes to wrap my "sandwich" in paper...

Me: Dude. You need to get one of these pre-made sandwiches or we're going to be here forever.

BoyKing: No way.

Me: Why not?

BoyKing: Did you see how grossly she made your sandwich right in front of you? Imagine if no one was watching.

Me: Valid.

So...while BoyKing ordered his foot-long Italian Meat Festival of Fail sandwich I got ice.

We finally got back on the road again, and made our way out to the beach. Cue me getting ridiculously giddy and saying "I'm so happy!" over and over and OVER again. So we parked Deronte who was all "Get the F up out my biz and lemme take a GD nap" and found our way to the sand.

Which, of course, was not hard.

Since we were at the beach.

Like, the sand was pretty much everywhere.


Pretty much we went right in the water because it was utterly glorious. And like we're playing in the ya do...and BoyKing starts riding the little waves in while I just bob up and down further out.

All of the sudden, via our intense telepathic connection, I sense that BoyKing is in pain.

Ok...I He definitely started yelling.

So I like swim up to him as fast as my Snookie-Sized body can take me to find BoyKing like FLIPPING HIS SHIT. He's all...


Me: ???


At this point, I realize he must've been stung by a jellyfish. So I turn on MommyMode and I'm all like "It's ok, it's ok, hold on to me, it's ok"

BoyKing: :::MELTDOWN::::

So, no joke you guys, he is so debilitated with pain at this point that I am attempting to carry him out of the water.

Reminder: BoyKing is 6'3"

I was not successful, and instead pretty much dropped him right where all the waves were breaking...the better for him to get pummeled with.

Finally we make our way out of the water and my soothing noises of cool calmness have irritated BoyKing to the point of The Manly Shake Off.

So we get to the towel and sit down and I literally have no idea what to do. Because I totally got stung by a jelly fish this past summer and literally all it felt like to me was a bad burn. But clearly BoyKing is having some issues because he is tow up from the flow up. So I just keep telling him not to worry because the pain will go away...far far away to the land of bad things and it will get eaten by an angry dragon lord with sharp teeth.

This? Did not work.

Also? No one was peeing on anyone. Just understand that.

So I tell him he should just make himself fall asleep. It's our best defense mechanism. At this point he has some NASTY tentacle prints all over his toes and I could cry I feel so bad but instead I say THIS insanity:

Me: I totally would've gotten stung for you if I could.

BoyKing: :::look of wtf-ever:::

Me: Ok...maybe not. But if it was like a situation where I could suck out poison, I TOTALLY would. Even though it's your feet. And I hate feet.

As a sidebar, you all know by this time that BoyKing and I have a dark gift. We manage to unintentionally will strangers to want to be our BFFs and to tell us their most private thoughts and personal business.

So we're sitting there on the towel mid post-sting recovery when a toddler toddles over with his mom.

So we're all "Hey there cute boykid!" and being sweet and blah blah. Then the kid like sits down right next to us and starts to play in the sand. Then his mom is like "Ok honey! Let's go!" and takes his hand.

Kid? Starts crying and parks himself right back next to us.

MomO'Kid: C'mon! We'll go see sister!


Finally? She actually had to pick him up and forcibly take him away.

Like...what's up with that?

:::time passes:::

BoyKing: Ok...I'm ready to go back into the water.

Me: We don't have to you know....are you sure.

BoyKing: Yeah. Totally. I don't want to be afraid.


BoyKing: :::eyeroll:::

So, back in the water we went, fun times for everyone!


I hear BoyKing scream...again. I look up and go "Are you serious?" but I know he is as he stomps out of the ocean straight toward our towel.

BoyKing? Has gotten stung.


And you guys? This time? It looks like a giant jelly fish has sat on this thigh. It was NASSSSTY.

Poor, poor BoyKing!

I mean seriously WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!?!

Actually...these are the odds.

But I'm like starting to freak out, because CLEARLY BoyKing is the only person getting stung. At this point, I'm fairly confident that Jelly Fish are anti-semites.

So, once again, I encourage BoyKing to sleep, which he does. I venture back into the water to just get un-sandified and I finally spot BoyKing's Nemesis.

Well, I don't actually SEE it. But I touched the top of it.

I promptly ran out of the ocean going "EEEEE!"

Later, BoyKing woke me from a nap to point out that the only cloud in the sky was in fact shaped like a Jelly Fish (true) and that God was telling him something.

I said God was telling him to stop being such a manwhore.

BoyKing did not see how that message correlated with Jelly Fish.

I'm not sure I did either.

We then decided to steer clear of Mother Ocean (or rather Mommy Dearest Ocean) for a bit and feed seagulls Wheat Thins instead.

Yes. We are the annoying people on the beach that feed seagulls.

So we start by just tossing them on the sand...and then BoyKing gets the idea to start chucking Wheat Thins into the air to see what happens.


These seagulls? Were like catching crackers mid-air and like DIVING for them. It was EPIC! So we are just like giggling madly and having the best time ever while the people behind us drink Corona out of a bottle and judge us.

So, next to getting horribly stung twice by alien monster sized Jelly Fish, the seagull feeding was BoyKing's favorite part of the day.

On our way home, we stopped at a little mart to get like water and shiz, and while paying for our stuff BoyKing makes the "angreh face" and goes...

BoyKing: Jess. JESS. Look. LOOK OVER THERE.

There was an entire shelf of Jelly Fish sting spray. BoyKing was convinced this was yet another sign from G.O.D.

Me: hehehe. I

BoyKing: We are TOTALLY buying that next time.


Not really. But wouldn't that have been HILARIOUS?