Ok...
First of all, that dude who totally touched my boob here at the library? Was BACK today. He is, in fact, A CREEPER.
He totally walked up to the RefDesk and was like "Hello."
Me: Hello.
BobTheBoobGrabber: How are you?
Me: Fine.
BtBG: :::hovers:::
Then like walked away. BUT, continued to return to take a few pass-by strolls in front of the RefDesk and stare creepily.
Really dude?
BLECH.
OK, so what I MEANT to blog about was the insane dream I had last night.
So, in my dream, I am POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL.
Yes.
In my POSSESSED STATE the DEVIL forces me to suffocate myself on my pillow.
And THEN I DIED.
Yeah. I freaking DIED in my dream. But I could still see out through my DEAD EYES. Like I could see everyone gathering around me and telling some little kid not to look at me because I was dead...I could SEE OUT MY DEAD EYES UNTIL THEY COVERED ME WITH A SHEET.
WHAT.
How freaking jacked up is that?!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
It's Monday! Let's Eat Babies!
Ok, so one of our regulars is here today....you know....'cause he's a regular.
And like, he's only usually MODERATELY creepy, mainly because of what he looks like. Like he kind of looks like if James Brown and Rick James combined to form Captain SoulWeave. He also sometimes wears hospital scrubs tops with his pants.
I do not think he works in a hospital.
ANYWAY. He usually comes by himself and like sits and reads EVERY PAPER in the building.
Today?
He brought....A BABY.
Yes. A baby. A baby that appears to be covered in ceremonial bells.
Or, maybe that's just a mobile.
I DON'T KNOW.
Baby has not yet made a noise. I think Baby....is for eating.
Look. I'm just saying? Baby in NO WAY belongs to Captain SoulWeave.
I'm keeping vigilant watch.
I did however have to turn away for a moment because a patron asked me how I tied my FASHIONABLE SUMMER SCARF.
Well, let's call it a Fashionable AUTUMN Scarf, seeing as how the seasons have changed, and although it is light-weight, it does contribute some warmth. In fact, it's the time of year for me to look like a consumptive Victorian again. The Library's thermostat is broken, and I will constantly be wearing scarves indoors to protect my delicate nature from TB.
I am not looking to emulate THAT part of Bright Star thanks very much.
Speaking of, go and see that film. Just beautiful....understated, quiet and lovely.
:::weeps::::
That Ben Whishaw? Expect more great things.
I will leave you with the following....
Just now, I have been asked to please monitor some creepy dude in the stacks who is surfing the Free Wireless Wave on his laptop. Apparently, he's been banned from like every other place in [City Where I Work] that offers free wireless for looking at kiddie porn.
So now I have been asked, to go over there periodically to see what he's looking at.
Um.
No? Like I don't want to see PORN. I have already seen enough PORN at the library to last me 3 goddamn lifetimes. Does no one think that mayhap I will be scarred beyond all reason if I have to see this shiz? I am not trained to deal with this kind of crap.
I'm a BOOK PUSHER people.
Oh, SPARE me. That's all I ask. I am at the point where literally, if I have to tell this creeper to please stop looking at HORRIBLE HORRIBLE THINGS I may just lose.my.mind.
I also may not be able to refrain from spitting on him or kicking him in the jaw.
Again.
Not trained to rationally handle such things.
Poor, poor, dead soul.
You were just too high strung.
And like, he's only usually MODERATELY creepy, mainly because of what he looks like. Like he kind of looks like if James Brown and Rick James combined to form Captain SoulWeave. He also sometimes wears hospital scrubs tops with his pants.
I do not think he works in a hospital.
ANYWAY. He usually comes by himself and like sits and reads EVERY PAPER in the building.
Today?
He brought....A BABY.
Yes. A baby. A baby that appears to be covered in ceremonial bells.
Or, maybe that's just a mobile.
I DON'T KNOW.
Baby has not yet made a noise. I think Baby....is for eating.
Look. I'm just saying? Baby in NO WAY belongs to Captain SoulWeave.
I'm keeping vigilant watch.
I did however have to turn away for a moment because a patron asked me how I tied my FASHIONABLE SUMMER SCARF.
Well, let's call it a Fashionable AUTUMN Scarf, seeing as how the seasons have changed, and although it is light-weight, it does contribute some warmth. In fact, it's the time of year for me to look like a consumptive Victorian again. The Library's thermostat is broken, and I will constantly be wearing scarves indoors to protect my delicate nature from TB.
I am not looking to emulate THAT part of Bright Star thanks very much.
Speaking of, go and see that film. Just beautiful....understated, quiet and lovely.
:::weeps::::
That Ben Whishaw? Expect more great things.
I will leave you with the following....
Just now, I have been asked to please monitor some creepy dude in the stacks who is surfing the Free Wireless Wave on his laptop. Apparently, he's been banned from like every other place in [City Where I Work] that offers free wireless for looking at kiddie porn.
So now I have been asked, to go over there periodically to see what he's looking at.
Um.
No? Like I don't want to see PORN. I have already seen enough PORN at the library to last me 3 goddamn lifetimes. Does no one think that mayhap I will be scarred beyond all reason if I have to see this shiz? I am not trained to deal with this kind of crap.
I'm a BOOK PUSHER people.
Oh, SPARE me. That's all I ask. I am at the point where literally, if I have to tell this creeper to please stop looking at HORRIBLE HORRIBLE THINGS I may just lose.my.mind.
I also may not be able to refrain from spitting on him or kicking him in the jaw.
Again.
Not trained to rationally handle such things.
Poor, poor, dead soul.
You were just too high strung.
Friday, October 23, 2009
What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?
Hey, hey! Look at me! New home! New post! It's a BRAND NEW DAY OF AWESOME! And? I'm wearing an amazingly hot pair of boots.
OK, so the day before yesterday lady comes in right? And she kinda looks like Emma from Glee if Emma from Glee where dressed up as Baby Jane for Halloween.
Like she has this bleached blond bob, which may have actually been a wig, and like, crazy ass makeup on. Her eyebrows have clearly been shaved off and replaced with a surprised line of RED PENCIL. She is clearly spray-tanned, and wearing and extremely low cut black shift dress and little puffy sleeved jacket. She is only checking out books about Marilyn Monroe and Jean Harlow.
Like...I get it lady. You're trying to look like an Old Hollywood Bombshell.
Instead? You look like an Old Hollywood Tranny.
Good luck to ya!
Also, I feel the need to share something with all of you. Y.B.P.M (Young Bonny Prince Malcolm) showed this to me, and it pretty much changed my life.
This is what you will be reading the remainder of your Friday:
BEHOLD!
Also? I don't know what's up with people's laundry situations of late? But there have been a crap-ton of folks up in here smelling like some SRS mildew.
Like how do you NOT know you smell like that when you leave the house. I have been told I have a bizarrely sensitive sense of smell (SUPERPOWER?!) but I mean, If I can smell the fact that there are spores of disgusting growing all up in your cardigan from across the RefDesk? You have an issue.
I mean, it's either mildew, or this a tribe of cats going around the area peeing in people's laundry baskets.
Either way, it's not OK.
OK, so the day before yesterday lady comes in right? And she kinda looks like Emma from Glee if Emma from Glee where dressed up as Baby Jane for Halloween.
Like she has this bleached blond bob, which may have actually been a wig, and like, crazy ass makeup on. Her eyebrows have clearly been shaved off and replaced with a surprised line of RED PENCIL. She is clearly spray-tanned, and wearing and extremely low cut black shift dress and little puffy sleeved jacket. She is only checking out books about Marilyn Monroe and Jean Harlow.
Like...I get it lady. You're trying to look like an Old Hollywood Bombshell.
Instead? You look like an Old Hollywood Tranny.
Good luck to ya!
Also, I feel the need to share something with all of you. Y.B.P.M (Young Bonny Prince Malcolm) showed this to me, and it pretty much changed my life.
This is what you will be reading the remainder of your Friday:
BEHOLD!
Also? I don't know what's up with people's laundry situations of late? But there have been a crap-ton of folks up in here smelling like some SRS mildew.
Like how do you NOT know you smell like that when you leave the house. I have been told I have a bizarrely sensitive sense of smell (SUPERPOWER?!) but I mean, If I can smell the fact that there are spores of disgusting growing all up in your cardigan from across the RefDesk? You have an issue.
I mean, it's either mildew, or this a tribe of cats going around the area peeing in people's laundry baskets.
Either way, it's not OK.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I'll Never Be Ticklish Again
Ok, so this past weekend we had a matinee production of [EvenNewerPlay!] right? So like it's sunny, and lovely out. And like, for this play, me and my witchy counterparts are barefoot. I.E., naked feet. So me and InternWitch are all creeping up the stairs onto this platform...when suddenly...
OMG!BURNINGRINGOFPAINANDFIRRRE!
You guys? That platform? Was like HOT ASPHALT. No. Worse. Like HOT ASPHALT covered in GLASS that's like JUST been melted. And the thing is? Me and InternWitch can not suddenly be all "Holy SHIT! That's FUCKING HOT. Get me THE F off this thing!" We just have to keep on going...each starting at each other knowing that other knows that she knows that I know that we both know that everyone's feet are on fire. Also knowing that PrincessSean is about to make HIS entrance and we have no way of warning him of the pain he is about to endure.
It? Was kind of hilarious. Mostly because as soon as we exited we all just went "OH MY GOD MY FUCKING FEET."
Sigh.
The THEATRE.
So, naturally, we all made mud slippers for Act II.
And you know? I was gonna blog today about this super creepy stalker guy who frequents the library, and somehow found me at said matinee and hovered...creepily...by me even though I clearly had ZERO interest in talking to him and was like literally talking to every single other person/animal/plant in a 10 mile radius and ignoring him yet he did not cease hovering until I acknowedged him...but then the universe threw me a bone.
A lady told me I had "such pretty, white teeth" WIN.
This followed quickly by a young man, who is here a lot and whom I am always looking up like dog rescue info for who is super sweet literally just says to me:
DogHero: Hey Jessica! How are you today?
Me: Well, little bit of a cold.
DogHero: I'm sorry to hear that! I'm excited because today is my birthday!
Me: Awesome! Happy birthday!
DogHero: Yep! I'm going to Olive Garden and everything!
Me: BREADSTICKS!
DogHero: For rrrrreals. But I just wanted to tell you that it is really a blessing to have you here. You are so helpful, and so kind, and just so sweet. And I really appreciate it.
Me: ::GASP:: Thank you!
DogHero: You need to hear that, and you should hear that.
Me: Well...maybe...just a little bit.
I was SO flattered, I turned purple. Those who know me know I have an amazing gift for undermining every compliment I'm given, but today? I just took this one in.
OMG!BURNINGRINGOFPAINANDFIRRRE!
You guys? That platform? Was like HOT ASPHALT. No. Worse. Like HOT ASPHALT covered in GLASS that's like JUST been melted. And the thing is? Me and InternWitch can not suddenly be all "Holy SHIT! That's FUCKING HOT. Get me THE F off this thing!" We just have to keep on going...each starting at each other knowing that other knows that she knows that I know that we both know that everyone's feet are on fire. Also knowing that PrincessSean is about to make HIS entrance and we have no way of warning him of the pain he is about to endure.
It? Was kind of hilarious. Mostly because as soon as we exited we all just went "OH MY GOD MY FUCKING FEET."
Sigh.
The THEATRE.
So, naturally, we all made mud slippers for Act II.
And you know? I was gonna blog today about this super creepy stalker guy who frequents the library, and somehow found me at said matinee and hovered...creepily...by me even though I clearly had ZERO interest in talking to him and was like literally talking to every single other person/animal/plant in a 10 mile radius and ignoring him yet he did not cease hovering until I acknowedged him...but then the universe threw me a bone.
A lady told me I had "such pretty, white teeth" WIN.
This followed quickly by a young man, who is here a lot and whom I am always looking up like dog rescue info for who is super sweet literally just says to me:
DogHero: Hey Jessica! How are you today?
Me: Well, little bit of a cold.
DogHero: I'm sorry to hear that! I'm excited because today is my birthday!
Me: Awesome! Happy birthday!
DogHero: Yep! I'm going to Olive Garden and everything!
Me: BREADSTICKS!
DogHero: For rrrrreals. But I just wanted to tell you that it is really a blessing to have you here. You are so helpful, and so kind, and just so sweet. And I really appreciate it.
Me: ::GASP:: Thank you!
DogHero: You need to hear that, and you should hear that.
Me: Well...maybe...just a little bit.
I was SO flattered, I turned purple. Those who know me know I have an amazing gift for undermining every compliment I'm given, but today? I just took this one in.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Brotha From Anotha Motha
Um. Sorry that I fail you guys.
But like...it's tech week? Which means all I'm doing is rehearsing, working, rehearsing, laundry, eating, possibly sleeping, then getting up and doing the same.
Also? THIS BLOG has been taking much of my creative energy...but it's SO worth it. So read it. Bitches.
Ok, so the other day we had a staff meeting here at Los Librarios Des Publicos and we were talking about the various behavior problems we have in the library. We were discussing like, keeping track of it, and then like sending our little "tracking list" to the higher ups to be like HALLLLP. And like, BossLady is all "Yeah, and like we would give repeat offenders 'nicknames' or something so that we know who we're talking about and we can track continual problems."
Hey! I just so happen to already HAVE a place where I track inappropriate library behaviour and give people nicknames!
I of course did not say this out loud...seeing as how they would FIRE ME. And then SUE ME.
But like, she gave this AMAZING example of this guy that used to come around that they called SilverBritches.
HAAAAAAAAAA!
Well, they called him SilverBritches because he would always wear these shiny silver spandex shorts and park himself in front of the RefDesk so that the Librarians could have a perfect view of his shiny, silver, spandex erection.
NICE.
And the day before yesterday? There was a man exposing himself to lady patrons in our library.
Yep.
I'm calling him NoBritches.
And lemme just tell you? First time I see ANYONE'S Mr.Peeper here? I am NEVER coming back.
But like...it's tech week? Which means all I'm doing is rehearsing, working, rehearsing, laundry, eating, possibly sleeping, then getting up and doing the same.
Also? THIS BLOG has been taking much of my creative energy...but it's SO worth it. So read it. Bitches.
Ok, so the other day we had a staff meeting here at Los Librarios Des Publicos and we were talking about the various behavior problems we have in the library. We were discussing like, keeping track of it, and then like sending our little "tracking list" to the higher ups to be like HALLLLP. And like, BossLady is all "Yeah, and like we would give repeat offenders 'nicknames' or something so that we know who we're talking about and we can track continual problems."
Hey! I just so happen to already HAVE a place where I track inappropriate library behaviour and give people nicknames!
I of course did not say this out loud...seeing as how they would FIRE ME. And then SUE ME.
But like, she gave this AMAZING example of this guy that used to come around that they called SilverBritches.
HAAAAAAAAAA!
Well, they called him SilverBritches because he would always wear these shiny silver spandex shorts and park himself in front of the RefDesk so that the Librarians could have a perfect view of his shiny, silver, spandex erection.
NICE.
And the day before yesterday? There was a man exposing himself to lady patrons in our library.
Yep.
I'm calling him NoBritches.
And lemme just tell you? First time I see ANYONE'S Mr.Peeper here? I am NEVER coming back.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
I Killed a Dude for Jesus
So, on the road this morning, I saw a bumper sticker that said "YES LORD! We WILL ride with you!" and it reminded me of a conversation I once had with some folks about how most Christian Pop/Rock songs are like...vaguely sexual.
I mean seriously. How many times have you heard some Christian Pop Diva singing about how she wants Jesus' love inside of her?
To prove my thesis, I thought I would go ahead and google some lyrics for you guys, and you can decide for yourself. I mean, all I am is a GoogleMonkey anyway right? For the record these are all from different songs.
I feel a burning, deep inside of meI feel your Spirit, it's moving around me
I hear Your voice, You're calling me closer
I know that You're here, You're calling me closer
And I will...
Christ, the hunger for him.
Only by grace can we enter
And now by Your grace we come
We come
Now by Your grace we come
I don’t want to live
For anything but You
Jesus
And all I have to give
I give it all to You
Jesus
Every breath I breathe
I breathe for You
Jesus
And every word I’ll speak
I’ll speak for You
Jesus
For the record ALSO? If I wake up tomorrow suddently believing in G.O.D? I'm totally becoming a Jew. I hear the conversion process is lengthy and difficult, but I figure I don't have to get any bits of bits chopped off, so it can't be that bad.
Anyway. I just thought you guys might wanna know that. For whatever reason.
I mean seriously. How many times have you heard some Christian Pop Diva singing about how she wants Jesus' love inside of her?
To prove my thesis, I thought I would go ahead and google some lyrics for you guys, and you can decide for yourself. I mean, all I am is a GoogleMonkey anyway right? For the record these are all from different songs.
I feel a burning, deep inside of meI feel your Spirit, it's moving around me
I hear Your voice, You're calling me closer
I know that You're here, You're calling me closer
And I will...
Christ, the hunger for him.
Only by grace can we enter
And now by Your grace we come
We come
Now by Your grace we come
I don’t want to live
For anything but You
Jesus
And all I have to give
I give it all to You
Jesus
Every breath I breathe
I breathe for You
Jesus
And every word I’ll speak
I’ll speak for You
Jesus
For the record ALSO? If I wake up tomorrow suddently believing in G.O.D? I'm totally becoming a Jew. I hear the conversion process is lengthy and difficult, but I figure I don't have to get any bits of bits chopped off, so it can't be that bad.
Anyway. I just thought you guys might wanna know that. For whatever reason.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
When Viewing and Printing Porn Just Isn't Enough
You should know that there is a man here.
Yes. Fascinating.
He is wearing some thug-tastic giant low-slung denim shorts.
When he left the RefDesk, turning his back to me...I got to see the back of said shorts.
On the back pockets, were two pictures of women..who were BOUND AND NAKED.
What.In.The.FUCK.
ETA to say that a woman just approached the RefDesk and said "My MapQuest keeps disappearing into a commercial."
GAAAAH.
Yes. Fascinating.
He is wearing some thug-tastic giant low-slung denim shorts.
When he left the RefDesk, turning his back to me...I got to see the back of said shorts.
On the back pockets, were two pictures of women..who were BOUND AND NAKED.
What.In.The.FUCK.
ETA to say that a woman just approached the RefDesk and said "My MapQuest keeps disappearing into a commercial."
GAAAAH.
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