Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Not a Compliment

So, I was at a birthday dinner for my pal and his fiancee the other night ok? And like, this totally awkward busgirl is like...busing our table or whatever and making super awkward chatting and blah blah...

And she asks how old everyone's turning, and I make some comment like "I was pissed as hell when I found out he was a year younger than me!" and Awkardo The BusGirl was like "ZOMGOSH you look SO MUCH YOUNGER!" so immediately I'm like, OK, we can be friends.

Then my pal counters with a "But I am in fact, much better looking."


Awkwardo the BusGirl: (to me) If it makes you feel better I think you are SO much more attractive than Snooki from The Jersey Shore.

Um. WTF?!?!

Because that in fact means that you were thinking that I was along the lines of Snooki to barging with! An UPGRADED Snooki is still a SNOOKI. I mean COME ON PEOPLE.


ADMITTEDLY...we could possibly be related. And...if I covered myself in spray tan, added extensions and a poof...perhaps we could look slightly very specific lighting and context.


Thanks JERSEY SHORE. My celebrity look-alike USED to be Claudia Cardinale:

Now look what you've done MTV. You've gone and TRASHED me up. What hope is left? I used to be able to cling to the idea that I had an old Hollywood glamour about me.

Alas, no.

My destiny is to grind up on some Guidos in a nasty club and wear incredibly fuzzy slippers.


Oh, and PS? It's the first day of classes for the semester today.


And I look like Snooki.

Just to remind you.

The Undergrads? They don't know Claudia.

They know the Snooks.

It's all over for me.

Thursday, August 19, 2010



I have decided to try to resurrect this bad boy for a couple of reasons...

1. Had an epic day filled with hilarity and general awesome with BoyKing and felt sad that the interwebs would never, ever know...

2. BoyKing basically dared me to, literally saying "I am lighting the FIRE WITHIN YOU!"


I don't know, but I think he likes me blogging so he can link send this link to the ladies and be all "heyyyy....I don't know if you've noticed but I am SO funny and like popular on the interwebs...and like...yeah, like chicks like to BLOG about me and shiz. How you like me NOW?"

So, just to catch you guys up...

You remember that I hit it and quit it in the world of public libraries and returned to school.

I am now working at two professional theatres in arts and education and am SO.MUCH.HAPPIER.


I am also marginally concerned that I will never be able to go the dentist again. Seeing as how having my teeth fall out is my most crippling fear (outside of giant alien man-eating spider babies) this is a bit of gnawing anxiety.


Get it? Like...teeth...gnawing?



I have been auditioning around town a little bit with limited success, but give it time.


Get off my BACK public!



So...I really wanted to go the beach as like a last hurrah to Summer. I'm not sure if you guys know this, but like, Atlanta? Does not have a beach.

The closest beach is Tybee Island at about 4 1/2 hours away. BoyKing and I decided that we would drive to the beach for the day.

Yeah, that's right. The plan was to leave at 6AM, get there at 10, hang out get (and I quote BoyKing here) "tan as fuck", go swimming, and drive home at around 6:30PM.

(unrelated side-note? The singing, animated mouth on the Dairy Queen commercial is NOT OK with me.)

So, after BoyKing was kind enough to put the new tag on my car...

Because I hadn't yet.

Since April.


Anyway...after the student became the master, we headed down the interstate. You should all be aware that Quick Trip already has their hot dogs turning at 5:00am. You should also be aware that instead of actually buying orange juice, BoyKing bought a water into which he poured Crystal Light "Orange Juice" flavored powder.

Once we had decided it was in fact too early for Miley Cyrus and/or singing Broadway showtunes we settled for enduring conversation with one another.

Conversation between the two of us varies between making stupid noises and faces at each other while trying to communicate telepathically OR like epic and devastating discussions of human nature and religion.

So. Showtunes it was! Once we'd sang through 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, Wicked and Sweeney Todd we had basically arrived in Savannah. By Savannah I mean THE GHETTO. I mean, there was a gas station that literally made no bones about calling itself "Shady's". And you guys? It was shady. Legit.

At this point, my GoogleMaps directions fail us, so I have BoyKing call our mutual pal AlyJack who I know has been to Tybee several times. So he gets her on the phone and starts all shootin' the shit and like cracking jokes, and I'm all


AlyJack then steers us in the right direction and we get ourselves out da ghetto and onto Victory Road toward the beach.

Feeling Victorious on Victory, we stop at a Kroger for lunch and ice and other such things that one needs on a one-day beach vacation...

So, first things first I decide that I should like a koozie. So, on our way to the deli I ask an employee where they might be...

Me: Excuse me ma'am, but do you guys have koozies?

KroLady: A Koozie? What's that? Is that a fruit.


Me: No, it has nothing whatsoever to do with produce.

KroLady: [silence]

Me: You know what? Don't worry about it.

But, she then insisted on finding someone who knew what a koozie was. She returned with the answer that they were "sold out." I'm pretty sure that's just KrogerSpeak for "none of us know what a koozie is."

So BoyKing and I go up to the deli to get sandwiches for lunch and there's an old lady there making something with chicken. And we're all "Hey, is it too early to have deli sandwiches made?" She scowled at us, shuffled to the back, screamed "RONNNIIIE!" and then went back to dealing with chicken.

Time passes.

Me: So you think someone is going to make us sandwiches?

BoyKing: Is she ignoring us? I think she's pretending we're not here.

Then, someone sluggishly emerged...presumably Ronnie...donned her latex gloves and PlastiBonnet.

Ronnie: What kyna breh?

Me: Um...can I have a six inch veggie...

Ronnie: What. Kyna. Breh?

Me: Uhhh, whole wheat.

Ronnie: ::slices old crusty loaf of "whole wheat" that is lying exposed on the counter and covers it in lettuce:: You want tomatoes?

Me: Sure...and pickles and yellow peppers...

Ronnie: :::grabs, throws:::

Sidenote? You guys need to understand that this is taking SO LONG that I have begun to laugh uncomfortably.

BoyKing: :::glares:::

Me: Can I also have oil and vinegar? And salt and pepper?

Ronnie: We out of oil and vinegar.

Me: Really?

Ronnie: Mmhmm.

Me: Um. Ok. I'll have mustard then please.

She then pulls like a squeezie mustard thing out from behind some creepy drawer or whatever, and it is like CRUSTY. You guys for REAL. Like, "oh my god I just found this mustard in the back of my fridge and I think it's from our Happy July 4th 2004 cookout party" kind of crusty.

Me: :::gags:::

Boyking: :::shudders:::

Ronnie: :::squeezes:::

No lie you guys? The like MUSTARD WATER gets all over my sandwich. And don't play, I KNOW you know what I mean.


So I like whisper to BoyKing, as she is taking the next 25 minutes to wrap my "sandwich" in paper...

Me: Dude. You need to get one of these pre-made sandwiches or we're going to be here forever.

BoyKing: No way.

Me: Why not?

BoyKing: Did you see how grossly she made your sandwich right in front of you? Imagine if no one was watching.

Me: Valid.

So...while BoyKing ordered his foot-long Italian Meat Festival of Fail sandwich I got ice.

We finally got back on the road again, and made our way out to the beach. Cue me getting ridiculously giddy and saying "I'm so happy!" over and over and OVER again. So we parked Deronte who was all "Get the F up out my biz and lemme take a GD nap" and found our way to the sand.

Which, of course, was not hard.

Since we were at the beach.

Like, the sand was pretty much everywhere.


Pretty much we went right in the water because it was utterly glorious. And like we're playing in the ya do...and BoyKing starts riding the little waves in while I just bob up and down further out.

All of the sudden, via our intense telepathic connection, I sense that BoyKing is in pain.

Ok...I He definitely started yelling.

So I like swim up to him as fast as my Snookie-Sized body can take me to find BoyKing like FLIPPING HIS SHIT. He's all...


Me: ???


At this point, I realize he must've been stung by a jellyfish. So I turn on MommyMode and I'm all like "It's ok, it's ok, hold on to me, it's ok"

BoyKing: :::MELTDOWN::::

So, no joke you guys, he is so debilitated with pain at this point that I am attempting to carry him out of the water.

Reminder: BoyKing is 6'3"

I was not successful, and instead pretty much dropped him right where all the waves were breaking...the better for him to get pummeled with.

Finally we make our way out of the water and my soothing noises of cool calmness have irritated BoyKing to the point of The Manly Shake Off.

So we get to the towel and sit down and I literally have no idea what to do. Because I totally got stung by a jelly fish this past summer and literally all it felt like to me was a bad burn. But clearly BoyKing is having some issues because he is tow up from the flow up. So I just keep telling him not to worry because the pain will go away...far far away to the land of bad things and it will get eaten by an angry dragon lord with sharp teeth.

This? Did not work.

Also? No one was peeing on anyone. Just understand that.

So I tell him he should just make himself fall asleep. It's our best defense mechanism. At this point he has some NASTY tentacle prints all over his toes and I could cry I feel so bad but instead I say THIS insanity:

Me: I totally would've gotten stung for you if I could.

BoyKing: :::look of wtf-ever:::

Me: Ok...maybe not. But if it was like a situation where I could suck out poison, I TOTALLY would. Even though it's your feet. And I hate feet.

As a sidebar, you all know by this time that BoyKing and I have a dark gift. We manage to unintentionally will strangers to want to be our BFFs and to tell us their most private thoughts and personal business.

So we're sitting there on the towel mid post-sting recovery when a toddler toddles over with his mom.

So we're all "Hey there cute boykid!" and being sweet and blah blah. Then the kid like sits down right next to us and starts to play in the sand. Then his mom is like "Ok honey! Let's go!" and takes his hand.

Kid? Starts crying and parks himself right back next to us.

MomO'Kid: C'mon! We'll go see sister!


Finally? She actually had to pick him up and forcibly take him away.

Like...what's up with that?

:::time passes:::

BoyKing: Ok...I'm ready to go back into the water.

Me: We don't have to you know....are you sure.

BoyKing: Yeah. Totally. I don't want to be afraid.


BoyKing: :::eyeroll:::

So, back in the water we went, fun times for everyone!


I hear BoyKing scream...again. I look up and go "Are you serious?" but I know he is as he stomps out of the ocean straight toward our towel.

BoyKing? Has gotten stung.


And you guys? This time? It looks like a giant jelly fish has sat on this thigh. It was NASSSSTY.

Poor, poor BoyKing!

I mean seriously WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!?!

Actually...these are the odds.

But I'm like starting to freak out, because CLEARLY BoyKing is the only person getting stung. At this point, I'm fairly confident that Jelly Fish are anti-semites.

So, once again, I encourage BoyKing to sleep, which he does. I venture back into the water to just get un-sandified and I finally spot BoyKing's Nemesis.

Well, I don't actually SEE it. But I touched the top of it.

I promptly ran out of the ocean going "EEEEE!"

Later, BoyKing woke me from a nap to point out that the only cloud in the sky was in fact shaped like a Jelly Fish (true) and that God was telling him something.

I said God was telling him to stop being such a manwhore.

BoyKing did not see how that message correlated with Jelly Fish.

I'm not sure I did either.

We then decided to steer clear of Mother Ocean (or rather Mommy Dearest Ocean) for a bit and feed seagulls Wheat Thins instead.

Yes. We are the annoying people on the beach that feed seagulls.

So we start by just tossing them on the sand...and then BoyKing gets the idea to start chucking Wheat Thins into the air to see what happens.


These seagulls? Were like catching crackers mid-air and like DIVING for them. It was EPIC! So we are just like giggling madly and having the best time ever while the people behind us drink Corona out of a bottle and judge us.

So, next to getting horribly stung twice by alien monster sized Jelly Fish, the seagull feeding was BoyKing's favorite part of the day.

On our way home, we stopped at a little mart to get like water and shiz, and while paying for our stuff BoyKing makes the "angreh face" and goes...

BoyKing: Jess. JESS. Look. LOOK OVER THERE.

There was an entire shelf of Jelly Fish sting spray. BoyKing was convinced this was yet another sign from G.O.D.

Me: hehehe. I

BoyKing: We are TOTALLY buying that next time.


Not really. But wouldn't that have been HILARIOUS?

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I Really AM Back in College!

As evidenced by the fact that today I have consumed the following:

1. Coffee
2. Diet Coke
3. Cadbury Mini Eggs
4. Leftover Chinese food.

I mean...hello? Like all I need is a pop tart and a nap? And I'm officially a legit undergrad.

ZOMG you GUYZ. It's been like 472 YEARS since I blogged. I feel wracked with guilt and shame.

As promised, I'm dedicating this post to hard core super fan LAURA. She puts the rest of you passive readers to shame for reals. Like, I saw her at KitKat's 30th B-Day party (KitKat? YOU OLLLDDD) right? And she was for reals QUOTING this blog.

Judge not people, because she's officially my new BFF and what are YOU?

Nothing, that's what.

Speaking of KitKat's 30th B-Day party, TheDivineMissJ and I had wheely chair races, both of which I lost. Like they were definitely trying to make it all an "Adult Party" and stuff with like fancy and delicious finger foods and other things grown-ups like...and TheDivineMissJ and I totally rebelled and decided to race each other in wheely chairs instead. I mean, we actually almost got in trouble. Clearly, we are not OK with the ageing process.

OK-so obviously we have TONS to catch up on. But first things first, BoyKing? Is kind of the best actor ever in the entire universe.

No, for real. I'm not kidding.

OK, I suppose I might be a bit biased, but you guys? He was just in a new show at AlmaMater where he got to be hilarious and improv and dress-up like a girl PLUS do Shakespeare? And I kind of almost died from pride. Like my adopted cub is the SHIT.

Good thing I'm not down for FutureBabies right now? If I was, they had better be really good at stuff because they face a life of being compared to BoyKing.

Every waking second of their pitiful lives.

I'll be all "Yeah, that's a good macaroni painting but can you actually make the macaroni spell out 'mommy is the most awesome'? Because that's what BoyKing would do. FYI, FutureBaby."

Anyway! So like, not only was he utterly fearless and hilarious up there, but there was a point that he literally SILENCED the audience with an incredible speech that just came totally out of left field.

THIS speech to be exact:

I have of late-but wherefore I know not-lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercise; and indeed it goes so heavy with my disposition, that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory. This most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire, why it appears no other thing to me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors. What a piece of work is man. How noble in reason; how infinite in faculty; in form and moving, how express and admirable. In action how like an angel; in apprehension, how like a God. The beauty of the world, the paragon of animals. And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me."

This is perhaps one of my favorite pieces of Shakespeare, as I think it resonates in a deeply hidden part of all of us.

Soak it IN people.

BoyKing did a fantastic job with it, and now the campus is just all abuzz with how wonderfully gifted he is.

To which I say, hands off my BoyKing or I will mess you up.

I mean, I am cool to share him if all we're doing is just glorying in his talent. Like THAT'S totes OK. But like, Campus? If you're thinking you can all take him to hug goats and feed deer? You've got another thing coming.

You guys don't think I'm causing him to need therapy right?

Actually, don't answer that.

What I also must tell you is that I got a leading role in a new play. So what are we on now? Like [NewNewNewestPlay]? Let's just call this one what it actually is. I'm getting bold in my old age. A Comedy of Errors, and I play Adriana.

Look it up.

Count my lines.

I'm pretty much famous.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Devil's Trickery

Ok, so you guys? Right now I am typing this from the PUBLIC LIBRARY.

Oh yes.

I am surfing the free wireless wave at a public library.

I have become what I most loathed...a PATRON.

So I'm all chillin' on gchat, chattin' up YPBM and he's all:

YBPM: I gave a lecture on Dinosaurs there once!

Me: No you did NOT!


Me: When? Please tell me it was like 8th grade or something.

YBPM:...I may have been wearing a Carolina Panthers uniform. So....7th? To a bunch of four year olds, so I had to slum...majorly.

(look at ole' dear YBPM slummin' it for the 4 year olds!)

YBPM: I thought I'd be lecturing to kids my own age. I mean who WOULDN'T want to hear my awesome lecture on Dinosaurs?

The more I imagine this, the more awesome it becomes. Like, I thought I was an uber dork nerd princess because I made my dad take me to a lecture by Robert Bakker when I was like...10. And here YBPM is like dumbing down his lectures for infants on paleontology. BTWs? When I told YBPM that I had met Robert Bakker, he completely freaked out with jealousy.


It's the little things people.

Also, I've added his DinoLecturing to the Pile of Random Amazing Bits That Make YBPM The Shiz.

In this pile already are the following:

1. That he has on more than one occasion referred to himself as a ninja
2. His incredible Saucy Tim 17th Century Fop voice.
3. Wolverine Hands/Tiny Ears
4. Unusual level of gun knowledge
5. That the thing we both dread most about dealing with children is that children lead to soggy Cheerios. Which are gross.

On this week's episode of Acting Class With the String Bean Who Juggles Balloons Filled With Sand:

So, BoyKing and I actually did NOT stand next to each other during our acting class warm up, and a fellow student actually said "That's funny. I thought if they separated, they died."

I was unsure whether to laugh or cry.

Probably cry right?

Friday, February 12, 2010


You guys should know, that currently we have like 4 inches of snow in Atlanta.

For reals? That's a big deal.

Also, someone came up with the tag of HOTHlanta, which I love and adore and plan on making my very own.

Most importantly however, it's totally mine and BoyKing's TWO YEAR FRIENDIVERSARY.

Ok. I won't lie to you, I don't know the exact date, but it's right around this time.

And since BoyKing and myself have been secretly in total hate with each other of late, I wanted to take this opportunity to wax poetic on the super amazing wonderful friend that he is. Because for reals, seeing each other in class twice a week, and then like all day is hard. I mean, I reminded him how he should be supremely grateful for such a privilege as MY COMPANY and how we used to wish we lived in each other's pockets...

That's weird, kinda.

Anyway-he actually totally pulled an EdwardCullen on me yesterday and was like,

BoyKing: Our friendship is like heroin...

Me: Um.

BoyKing: start using heroin right? And like you only use it once and while and it's like super awesome.

Me: I think...

BoyKing: And then like, you start using it like more and stuff...and it's like sometimes good? But like sometimes not? And then you can like overdose and stuff?

Me: I'm not comfortable with this metaphor.

BoyKing: But then like, you get into the habit and it's fine.

Me: Are you using heroin?

BoyKing: No.

Me: This is awkward.

BoyKing: For real.

Me: We should probably hug it out.

As a side note? BoyKing finally had headshots done right? I took him, or rather Deronte the Civic of Style took him with my assistance. Naturally he needed like supreme amounts of help finding something acceptable to wear, so I picked out two shirts for him. So the photog is all "Whoever suggested you wear this blue shirt was spot on because it just makes your blue eyes POP!"

:::points at self and jumps up and down:::


Anyway, he calls me when they're up on the computer to see...and I....started crying.

I was all "Oh! My ManChild grew up so FAST *sniff*."

ANYWAY. For your reading pleasure:

A Haiku in Honor of BoyKing
Mostly you smell nice,
You're the tallest guy I know,
Your weird thumbs are cool.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Mmmm....Grapefruit Juice

....and VODKA.

At 6pm. On a Monday. Alone in my house.

I think that, if nothing else, strongly indicates that I am in fact an actress. Monday Drunk Blogging. OMG YOU GUYS. Maybe I should like start a tradition. Like every Monday, I'll have a cocktail on an empty stomach and blog the hell outta some happenings.

I'll make a note.

This week on Adventures in Acting Class With an Overgrown 8 Year Old Who Has No Control of His Own Limbs and Wears Ugly T-Shirts:

So, on this particular day BoyKing is all "JESSE YOU ARE MY PARTNER" and literally like informs the entire population of this fact, so that no one can...I don't know...steal me.

So, we're partners. The activity this class involves having to ask your partner provocative questions.

Cue me ruing the day I ever was BoyKing's partner. I can basically hear the gears churning in his mind like they've never churned before.

Ok, so I'm not even going to tell you guys the shit he asked me ok? But let's just say I actually had TEARS WELLING IN MY EYES at one point. But, payback is in fact a huge bitch, and when we had to demonstrate for the class I asked him:

Me: Are you embarrassed to be wearing my pants?

It was AWESOME. Because you guys? He was in fact TOTALLY WEARING MY PANTS.

How does BoyKing have your pants you ask? Well, they're these athletic pants that I lent him like last spring and he just kept them because he abuses people he loves. So BoyKing turned like totally pink and the whole class laughed at him.

It was a proud moment for me. I mean, in all honesty, it's all in good fun and he could probably like gut a bunny rabbit in front of me and I'd be all "you sweet thing you!" and I could probably like kick him in the nuts 14 times consecutively and he'd say "thank you SO much, I really appreciate all you do for me." However...our acting teacher pronounced:

"You two do NOT play well together." I'm thinking it's possibly the end of our partnership in acting class.

Things That Were Awesome Which Happened This Weekend:

So InternWitch had a birthday gathering at her house on Saturday which involved playing HOURS worth of Catchphrase, which is completely my new favorite game.

It does however become powerfully evident how huge of a dork I am, as like, many of my clues involved connecting things to Shakespeare, and when I got "Beowulf" for my word, rather than being all "GRENDEL" I was like "oh, this is an amazing piece that has incredible layering of Christianity and Norse mythology." Also, YBPM got "Malcolm X" and literally says "Oh! Martin Luther King except Evil."



Then he all tries to recover with "No! No, I totally only meant 'but more violent.'"

Sorry dude, but there is virtually NO WAY you are ever recovering from/living down that statement.

It was pretty much awesome.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

*cough, cough*

I pretty much suck at blogging right now. I mean, BoyKing fully called me out yesterday all "Um, hello? I have done tons of funny shit lately that the interwebs are currently ignorant of, so get on it."

First off, I am slowly recovering from what I think was probably a bout with



Tell no one, or they will have me put in isolation.

Ok, so this morning I went to check on my little I'mAnActressLookAtMe! know that lists me as some all super awesome aspiring actress here...and it has me listed as "Hispanic/Latino."

Um, you guys?

I never selected that. Like, someone just made the assumption and selected it for me when they were processing my account. Which is hilarious. Also, unsettling.

Hey! Just call me AnyRaceJesse! I can fill your AnyRace needs! I'm like a freaking HARMONY poster personified!

Ok, so like, remember how I said my Stagecraft teacher MIGHT be totally smokin' fine?

Well, confirmed.

He's legit hot.

So, one of my classmates all like MySpace stalked him to find out how old he was so I wouldn't feel bad. See, these kids, they're all about helping me out.

And he IS actually 30. So WIN!

My teacher is NOT YOUNGER THAN ME. I pretty much think that this is basically a sign from the Universe that we have a complicated but beautiful future together. Further evidence that we're secretly M2B? I sent him an email that I wasn't going to be in class know...Aporkalypse, and he was all "I'd be mad at you if you got me sick."

I think the "after we made out" part is implied right?

And now it's time for More Adventures in Acting Class with BoyKing!

So, we are doing this activity where we sit in a circle and everyone goes around saying one word and it forms a sort of nonsensical story. So, we're going around...


The last? Uttered by the only Jew in the room, BoyKing. This was followed by me laughing my ass off while the rest of the class tittered awkwardly. BoyKing attempted to recover by saying "It was because we were just talking about YBPM!"


Granted, YBPM is totes down with G.O.D. but who knew that in BoyKing's brain he was in fact synonymous with Jesus.


Especially considering the only OTHER thing BoyKing has really ever said about YBPM is "I really like his muscles."

Food for thought all. Food for thought.

Speaking of YBPM, or Jesus, we went to go see our mutual pal InternWitch in a play last weekend. I brought my dear little know, I know she has a blog nickname, but I can't remember for the life of me what it's call her....BTony. Ok. So I brought BTony with me to the play, and I'm all this is this and that is that, and YBPM is all "I'm sure Jessica has told you about my unnatural amount of hand hair and how my body is totally disproportionate. Also, I have really tiny ears."
... Actually. I sort of didn't? Like what? Yes, agreed. YBPM has Wolverine hands. It's completely unsettling. Also? His legs are freakishly long and no normal human being can walk in time with him. And I had never noticed the ears until that moment, but now, naturally, I'm totally fixated on them. The fact that he thought that those are the things I'd be sure to preemptively point out has forced me to turn a mirror inward upon myself.

And what do I see? I see shallowness my friends.

Seriously though, like his ears are like FREAKY small. Like I don't even know how he hears things.