Wednesday, January 27, 2010

*cough, cough*

I pretty much suck at blogging right now. I mean, BoyKing fully called me out yesterday all "Um, hello? I have done tons of funny shit lately that the interwebs are currently ignorant of, so get on it."

First off, I am slowly recovering from what I think was probably a bout with



Tell no one, or they will have me put in isolation.

Ok, so this morning I went to check on my little I'mAnActressLookAtMe! know that lists me as some all super awesome aspiring actress here...and it has me listed as "Hispanic/Latino."

Um, you guys?

I never selected that. Like, someone just made the assumption and selected it for me when they were processing my account. Which is hilarious. Also, unsettling.

Hey! Just call me AnyRaceJesse! I can fill your AnyRace needs! I'm like a freaking HARMONY poster personified!

Ok, so like, remember how I said my Stagecraft teacher MIGHT be totally smokin' fine?

Well, confirmed.

He's legit hot.

So, one of my classmates all like MySpace stalked him to find out how old he was so I wouldn't feel bad. See, these kids, they're all about helping me out.

And he IS actually 30. So WIN!

My teacher is NOT YOUNGER THAN ME. I pretty much think that this is basically a sign from the Universe that we have a complicated but beautiful future together. Further evidence that we're secretly M2B? I sent him an email that I wasn't going to be in class know...Aporkalypse, and he was all "I'd be mad at you if you got me sick."

I think the "after we made out" part is implied right?

And now it's time for More Adventures in Acting Class with BoyKing!

So, we are doing this activity where we sit in a circle and everyone goes around saying one word and it forms a sort of nonsensical story. So, we're going around...


The last? Uttered by the only Jew in the room, BoyKing. This was followed by me laughing my ass off while the rest of the class tittered awkwardly. BoyKing attempted to recover by saying "It was because we were just talking about YBPM!"


Granted, YBPM is totes down with G.O.D. but who knew that in BoyKing's brain he was in fact synonymous with Jesus.


Especially considering the only OTHER thing BoyKing has really ever said about YBPM is "I really like his muscles."

Food for thought all. Food for thought.

Speaking of YBPM, or Jesus, we went to go see our mutual pal InternWitch in a play last weekend. I brought my dear little know, I know she has a blog nickname, but I can't remember for the life of me what it's call her....BTony. Ok. So I brought BTony with me to the play, and I'm all this is this and that is that, and YBPM is all "I'm sure Jessica has told you about my unnatural amount of hand hair and how my body is totally disproportionate. Also, I have really tiny ears."
... Actually. I sort of didn't? Like what? Yes, agreed. YBPM has Wolverine hands. It's completely unsettling. Also? His legs are freakishly long and no normal human being can walk in time with him. And I had never noticed the ears until that moment, but now, naturally, I'm totally fixated on them. The fact that he thought that those are the things I'd be sure to preemptively point out has forced me to turn a mirror inward upon myself.

And what do I see? I see shallowness my friends.

Seriously though, like his ears are like FREAKY small. Like I don't even know how he hears things.

Sunday, January 17, 2010




So, week one as an "actress" (it gets air quotes until it's real) continues on apace. Just a side note about air quotes? I have had to sit on my hands TWICE this week because I have been compulsively putting everything in air quotes. Like, hey...can you pass the "salad dressing" kind of everything going in air quotes.

I'm unsure when exactly I became so annoying.

That is not like an invitation for all of you assholes to let me know.

So, let's cover my two days worth of classes first shall we?

Day One of school basically consisted of me having about 2 or 3 major nervous breakdowns.

Apparently I forgot one needs textbooks for school. And a backpack. And like paper and pens and shit.

I was also petrified that BoyKing would be all Embarrassed to Know Me...but apparently (and some of you may have known this already) I'm cool as shit.

First things first, my Stagecraft teacher is no doubt younger than I am and has a mohawk. He may also be smoking hot.

At the end of Day One, I'm leaving my acting class, with BoyKing in tow, natch, and like I'm walking toward my car when I turn around to see I have a little gaggle of boys following me.

BoyKing's all Um STEP OFF biatches, this is MY older lady friend. And I'm all "wot's all this then?"

So I'm like "uhhh....did you guys...want a lift or something?"

UnderBoys: SURE!

So, my car is such a crapsplosion that I only have room for 2 of said UnderBoys. So BoyKing, rather than uttering his usual cry of "AUTOMATIC SHOTGUN!!" gets all petulant and is like "no, whatever...I'll walk."

It? Was awesome.

Day Two of class was significantly I had purchased a day planner. For serious, Day planners to me are like crack.

You know. To a crackhead.

Anyhoodle, I am fitting in semi-well with the undergrads. BoyKing even let me wear his baseball jacket when I was cold in class.

No, I'm not joking. Like, I think next week he's giving me his pin.


I do still have a volume control problem as I called him "such a tool" audibly during our lecture in Stagecraft.

Dr. Hottie McMohawk approved though, so it was cool.


Also? Went and saw"The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus" with YBPM. Extremely difficult for me to see Heath Ledger. I will not lie to you. I had some gasping tears there. However, I thought the movie was beautiful and brilliant...though it lost me a bit at the end. As YPBM so aptly put it "Terry Gilliam gets lost in his own genius."

There are some very winning moments in this film though that are "quaintly Pythonian" (DO YOU SEE ME WITH THE FREAKING AIR QUOTES?!?) including some dancing Bobbies for the win. Oh, and don't forget Johnny Depp.

:::wants to touch:::

OH! And this guy? So very precious. What a joy he was to watch on screen. And HELLO?! Tom Waits as Mr.Nick (aka THE DEVIL)? I mean, such an inspired casting choice, and that ALONE was worth the 10 bobs. See this film less for Heath Ledger's final performance, and more to
be amazed at how Gilliam and Crew managed to make this thing work.

Verne Troyer? Maybe someone should accidentally lock him in a box.


The freakiest thing though? Some dude in the theatre who literally had the creepiest, eeriest, most diabolical laugh EVAR. I mean, it would go from like this super evil throaty chuckle to like some goofy ass cartoon laugh. At one point YBPM is all "as soon as this is over? We MUST know what he looks like." So as soon as it's light's up? I turn around and CANNOT FIND HIM.

Mmm hmmm.

Possibly? A ghost.

I'm JUST throwing it out there.

Following the movie YBPM and I went to a kind of seedy bar and like there were no tables to sit at. The only available seating was at this breakfast bar type thing facing an army of pool tables. And YBPM is all:

"Can we sit at that bar, or is that too trashy?"


It WAS in fact completely trashy, but our very presence classed it up big time. Mainly because we dress so well. However I'm fairly sure it was a mistake to lay my jacket down on the bar.

Because now it smells like empty dreams and despair.

Oh, and apparently in the umpteen months we've worked together/known each other, I've somehow managed to keep my actual age from YBPM. So, when we were discussing how it's going to be like OMGSOMUCHEASIER for him to catch the famous than myself, I was all:

Me: Well first of all, I'm older than you.

YBPM: Oh come on, by how much really.

Me: Uh....

YBPM: What are you...26?

Me: Yes?

YBPM: 27?

Me: Also yes?

YBPM: ....28? What?

Me: I'm 29 years old.

At this point 25 and 1/2 year old YBPM makes like the SADDEST FACE EVAR. Like a face that screams "Oh, wow, I am so, so, so sorry that you are swiftly approaching the end of the first third of your life. I officially pity you and agree with you that all your endeavors will be failures, as it is far too late for you. Basically, I should shoot you right now and just put you out of your misery."

I mean, that's how I read the expression anyway.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Weekend Update!

First things first? It is my LAST DAY in the world of Public Libraries.


Well, at least as an employee...I'm sure I'll be surfing the free wireless wave as a patron when I run out of money.

Anyway. Holy weird feelings Batman.

I have a pretty amazing weekend to re-cap here folks, so get comfy.

Ok so first things first, this weekend? I had a lecture and a CLASS with Steve Whitmire.


You people realize that Steve Whitmire is the dude who has been performing Kermit the Frog since Jim Henson died in 1990.


Ok, lemme esplain.

I? am obsessed with the Muppets. I am obsessed with all things Jim Henson. When Jim Henson died? I sobbed for a week. I cry every.single.time I watch "A Muppet Christmas Carol." I've seen "The Christmas Toy." HAVE YOU?! Probably not. Like, I swear, being an only child, I literally thought that everyone who lived on Sesame Street (Muppets included) were like, my personal friends and family.

OBSESSED with Sesame Street.

To the point, that when I applied for an internship at Sesame Workshop when I was in college, and didn't get it? I bullied the guy until he gave it to me. Like he was all "I'm sorry, but we have no space left" and I was all "Yeah you do. FOR ME." And he's all "No. Really." And I'm all "I'm serious. YOU NEED ME." Then? I had a 3 week externship at Sesame Workshop.


So, the fact that I got to manipulate a puppet that was built in the HENSON WORKSHOP in front of a monitor with STEVE WHITMIRE was basically like top 5 most Epic Moments of my life.

I'm crying typing about it. For real. Especially because he was so down to earth, and hands on, and friendly, and gifted and hilarious and just all around awesome in every way.


Secondly, I am literally down to 45 minutes left of my library career.

(Unless I fail epically and have to resort to re-becoming a librarian).

Ok, so tomorrow? I start back at Alma Mater Full-Time. Also? I have three classes with BoyKing.

This could go 1 of several ways.

1. BoyKing will be motivated enough by sheer spite/desire to be better than me and will do like awesome times a million.

2. BoyKing and I will both fail all three classes because we will be too busy making stupid noises to make each other laugh.

3. We will no longer be friends after this semester.

I'll keep you posted.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Some Light Reading

You should be aware that this is my 2nd to last day at the Library.


Also, there are a grand total of FIVE PATRONS in here today because the roads are covered with icy death. They will be all day mind you, because it's not supposed to get above 28 degrees. This? Is like an EndTime scenerio for Atlanta.

So, I'm here. Bored. Freezing. Waiting to die driving on the way home.

It's great.

No, really, it is.

WHY MUST I BE HERE. Ok. Only good things about today:

1. I have a Dominoes Pizza gift card. And as much as Dominoes Pizza kind of makes me want to yack, I'm going to order some. They will bring it me, and I will gorge myself on cheese and bread.

2. There are cookies in the breakroom

3. .....

That's it.

Ok, so a lady just called and was like...

FranticaErotica: Hi! Do you have any books by Zane or any erotic novels?

Me: :::decidedly NONEroticSigh::: We do have books by Zane, but they are not checked in.

FranticaErotica: I just need you to find some books that are good to read on the bus. Like some black people books that are like love stories. I need books TODAY.

Me: Um...well we have an African American Fiction section you can come in and take a look at.

FranticaErotica: No. I need someone to just go pick out some for me. I'm in a cab and I can't hardly walk.


Anyway, so me, being me, just goes and pulls books for her. I just picked anyone that had a black man's abs on the cover.

Those should be good for the bus right?

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The Great Clean Out

...of my life.

Later! You've all been thrown away.

No, no. Not yet anyway.

So, I started cleaning out my desk at the Library today, and like it's almost 3 years worth of stuff. This? Mind you, is the longest I have ever been at one job.

I'm so responsible.

Ok, so are the contents of my desk drawer:

1. No less than 10 thousand paperclips
2. 6 sharpies
3. 3 Hi-liters
4. stamps, and stamp pads...we librarians LOVE to stap shit. Like BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! STAMP!
5. 5 post-it pads

Why on EARTH did i have 7 pairs of scissors? How does that even happen? Like we have a 131 million dollar deficit from me hoarding scissors.


I was so petrified to reveal the fact that I had THAT many pairs of scissors stashed away in my desk? Because honestly, like, they would probably beat me with sticks.

Luckily...we are so grossly understaffed that everyone was entirely too busy to notice me taking a bucket 'o scissors to the supply room.

Also, a friend of mine...let's just call him involved in this project:

And if you read the Frank's Blog part? The first one all gives a shout out to the "nice ladies" at the public library, so I was all "awwwww, YBPM! You sweet little honey badger, giving me a shout out!"

He didn't write it.

Which is both a positive AND a negative. Positive in the sense that there is another human being on the planet that actually refers to ladies at the public library as "nice" and also has great respect for the public access computers, and negative in the sense that I have to strike YBPM from my friends list because he doesn't appreciate my service to the community enough.

Consider him stricken.

It's a new year baby! IN YO FACE!

Ok, not really.

You live to see another day YBPM. You may thank me later.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Greet THIS! Seasons!


So it's DAY ONE of my final week at the library.

:::gleeful clapping:::

And it's greeted me in such fashion as to continually validate my choice to depart every.waking.second.

First things first, yours truly had to stock the lobby with TAX FORMS because if people don't have their TAX FORMS the first week in January, BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO THEM.

We currently have a 40 minute wait for the computers which naturally makes the entire population utterly furious and assume that I have a personal vendetta against them and I am purposefully creating false computer wait times in order to spite them

Right now there is a man, whom I will dub CrazyWyclef, who has made camp at the table directly in front of the RefDesk. He asked to borrow a pen. I gave him one. When he returned it, he leaned allllll the way over the desk and like slid the pen right next to my computer mouse.

Um. K.

Now he is doing this elaborate circular pacing dance in front of the desk periodically heaving sighs.

Whatever dude. Also, he's been asking passing strangers where the bathroom is. I've told him where it is twice.


There's this guy who's been coming in. He's a newbie. He's probably like....32, 33 years old maybe? And like seriously, he is SO polite and SO gentlemanly...


Now, I don't know if it's the fact that I have been hardened against the whole of humanity from my work here OR because he sounds EXACTLY like this guy:

And not like the ACTOR, but specifically Philip Padget: MURDERER/STALKER from "Milagro" from The X-Files, Season 6.
You guys, EEEEEERIE.

Now, I know there was a time that I wished the X-Files were for totals real? And I could go work at the FBI and find a steamy partner who was tall, lanky, literate, lean, funny, passionate, slightly crazy so that I could fix him and we could unlock conspiracies together and maybe make out a lot...and also a time where I was literally able to connect every single thing that occurred in my day to something in the X-Files....
I do not want my heart to be ripped out by a psychic surgeon!

Saturday, January 2, 2010

The End And/Or Beginning of an Era

Ok dudes.

I'll admit it.

I had given up on this blog. I was over it. I said "pshaw, I am now too bitter to find amusement."

Then? Thanks to Babs, I discovered this.

It brought me SO much joy, and if you like me, you will LOVE her because she's basically like Me:The Uber Upgrade.

And I was like, if bitch has funny shit to say, I still have funny shit to say.

And by bitch, I mean if Jeebus loved me he would allow us to meet, fall in love, and become besties for life.


Imma start off with some big BIG news.

I have resigned from the library.

Don't all get up at once.

Yes, my dulcet darlings, no more will you or I be plagued with the disgusting swarm that is the American Public. My last day is January 11th, and yours truly will be doing a number of things instead.

1) Going back and getting a second B.A. at Alma Mater FULL TIME in Theatre with a minor in Shakespeare and Renaissance Studies. Yes, this means I will be in class with a lot of under grads. Yes, this means that Teen Huggle Snuggle Fun Ranch Home for Wayward Teens may in fact fill to capacity.

2) Pursuing a career in acting/performance. So now you get to follow the progress of an unemployed poverty stricken Bohemian. EXCITED YET?!

3) Writing plays/books/blogs/nasty notes to leave in people's lockers.

4) Developing EduShakespeare programs for teens. I even have an intern. I shit you not.

Library, I gave you my best effort. And you took that best effort, you put it in a shame sandwich, slathered it with disappointment, shook a little salt pepper, and shattered dreams over it, popped it in the toaster, and then you eated it.

Along with my soul.

Which you killed.

So here's me giving this another shot. Though I make no promises. I am after all, still a girl.