Here at the Library, Sometimes One Must Read.

You guys? I must tell people how to print stuff AT LEAST 30-45 times a day.

Just repeating the same schpeal OVER and OVER and OVER again.

In an effort to help this, some time ago, a co-worker made a very handy and clear sign with step by step instructions and hung it right above the print station.

And you guys? Not so much with the complicated.

So when people holla at me from the print station like "hey! I printed some stuff" or "how do I get my printed stuff?" or something to that effect, I will usually say:

Me: You're going to start at the computer right there. There's a sign directly in front of you with step by step instructions.

At this point one of several things happen...NONE of which include READING THE SIGN AND FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS.

They either frantically scan the air/wall/sky for the sign...which they never find OR they just stare at me blankly like "and?" until I just walk over there and do it for them OR they walk away from the computer and start blindly stabbing at the copier.

Like, what part of "START AT THAT COMPUTER and THERE IS A SIGN RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU" is so confusing?

ALL OF YOU DESERVE TO BE UNEMPLOYED.

Ok. That was a bit below the belt. I know.

I'm sorry alright?

Not all the way sorry, but like a LITTLE bit sorry.

OK! So JUST NOW some lady called about volunteering at the library right? And I didn't talk to her, my co-worker did ok? So I'm just going to transcribe the conversation as I heard it.
Ok, well volunteers at the library typically shelve book.

Mmm hmm. Well you simply need to come in and fill out an application...
Yes, an application.
Mmm hmmm. And then once that's approved we schedule and orientation...
Well...not currently. But I mean....sometimes they may have clowns scheduled for the children's programs.
Um...I don't know when and if there will be clowns.
Well...there's nothing with clowns scheduled right now that I can tell.
Ma'am. I don't know. I don't know if there will be any clowns in the future.
I cannot tell you that information. What is scheduled right now, for the next couple of months, does not appear to involve clowns.
Yes, if you needed to leave, you could just sign out and go.
Well, you will have to keep your eye on the program schedule...no ma'am. No one can make sure you know if there are going to be clowns...
Ma'am? Maybe you should think about volunteering elsewhere.

It's on FIRE? That's Weird.

Like that Kings of Leon song is hot? But like...what?

Anyway.

So, BoyKing called yesterday (which naturally filled my heart with giant spoonfulls of unicorn glitter and fairy dust) to tell me that he was cast in his first play at AlmaMater!

BoyKing: Yeah, so I got a part in [AlmaPlay]. It's uh...first name "first" last name "man." I think it might be a small part.
Me: Well....maybe First Man is only man?
BoyKing: I have three lines. I actually think the FULL NAME of my part is "First Man, In Passing". Like I literally just...pass through.
Me: Um. I'm terribly sorry for laughing my ass off right now at you.
BoyKing: No, no. Laugh away.
Me: Well....you know, if you need to run lines or anything you know I'm here for you. [LAUGHTER]
BoyKing: Thanks.
Me: And like, if you ever want to discuss like character development and motivation-you know call on me. [SNICKER]
BoyKing: Right.
Me: [STILL LAUGHING] Really, I am so sorry for laughing this hard. I can't stop!
BoyKing: No, it's fine. I'm gonna rock those three lines.
Me: Awwww, of course you are. And I'm going to totally scream WOOOO from the audience really loud when you "pass through." [HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH] God. Why am I such a BITCH.
BoyKing: I'm not entirely sure.
Me: Well, BoyKing, you'll ALWAYS be MY First Man....in Passing.[SNORT]

Lousy Plumber

You guys? We have a first today at the library.

I have seen ass crack.

Yep.

Way to go guy using the copier.

I'm actually sort of astounded that this is the first time in nearly 3 years of working in the public library that I've seen ass crack.

Also, for your laughing at how I earn my paycheck pleasure, today, my first Reference
Transaction of the morning:

Phone: RING RING
Me: Good morning, this is Reference. How may I help you?
TransmissionMistress: Hi. Can you google something for me?
Me: Um. Sure.
just so you know, people call us to "google" shit for them with increasing frequency. Like really? YOU TOO CAN GOOGLE.
TransmissionMistress: I need the phone number of a couple of companies.
Me: Sure. What companies are you looking for?
TransmissionMistress: Well, actually I just need you to google transmission repair shops north of atlanta and give me some phone numbers.
Me:....well. There are 274,000 results ma'am. Perhaps you'd like to narrow it down.
TransmissionMistress: Ok, read me the first 10
Me: [begins reading listings and phone numbers]
TransmissionMistress: No. Nope. Nope. No. Not that. No.
Me: Well, perhaps you'd like to narrow it down??

This lady? Had me google "transmission repair shops [insert city north of atlanta here]" several times, until I had given her appx 30 phone numbers.

LOOK. Even if you do not have the internerds immediately accessible? TRY THE PHONE BOOK. Or perhaps you can dial INFORMATION on your phone RATHER THAN THE LIBRARY.

Every fiber of my being YEARNED to just yell out "I AM NOT GOOGLE! YOU HAVE NOT CALLED GOOGLE. YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE AND I HOPE IT COSTS YOU LIKE 10 ZILLION DOLLARS TO FIX YOUR TRANSMISSION."

But then? They complain. And I would get yelled at. Which would then force me into doing very violent things.

Two words. Giant.Club.

Ok, THREE words.

Giant. SPIKEY. Club.

Anyway.

One thing I want to again reiterate today...and I know I say this a lot. And I'm going to say it again, not only to remind you guys, but to remind myself.
Never, never, forget to tell people they matter to you. That they are important to you. And that you love them, if you do. Life changes in an instant. In a blink. And no matter what you believe comes after this life, don't wait for whatever that is. Don't assign a meaning to suffering, or a justification. Just care for the person who suffers. Care for them, and comfort them. Don't expect or assume they have some reward coming in the great hereafter. Be their reward by being there, today, now, in this moment. Give hope, give laughter, give time, give of yourself. It makes a difference, of that I am sure.
And for my great Faerie Queen, I am thinking of you and sending you all the magic I have. I am thinking of your striking beauty, your powerful voice from another dimension, your incredible sense of humour that borders a little bit on insanity, and your unflinching support. I am thinking of the fact that you have already endured more than anyone should, and that I would not be so graceful as you if it were me. I am thinking that I am glad to know you, and lucky to perform with you. I am thinking that I look forward to telling you all this in person very soon.

You're Goin To Be a Zombie Board

That is literally what I just thought my co-worker said to me. She said "you're going to be a sounding board" but I heard zombie.
Interesting.
So. BoyKing said he was a little frightened and dismayed by how angry my last post was. So I read it over, and I too fear for my sanity.
So today? Big BloggySnuggle.
First of all, BoyKing moved into his COLLEGE DORM ROOM today. Yes. Our little man is all growed up and on his own. Let's give him a round of applause and hope he doesn't die! I mean, hope he doesn't funnel cheap beer! I mean hope he doesn't go home with the campus bicycle! I mean hope he orders vegetables on his pizza! I mean, hope he knows to wash colors in cold water!
Whatever. He's going to do awesome because he's the BoyKing.
Luckily, said college is only 30 minutes away, and even though he'll be all like making REAL friends and shit...i'll like be able to sense his presence.
Otherwise, I would be dressed in mourning and drowning my sorrows in a nice chianti.
Secondly, Spilasha, a regular reader and all around awesome lady has said via FB that she has had a rough morning. So let's all give her a virtual SnuggleHuggleKiss and say, at least you have two arms.
I mean. At least I THINK you do. I've never actually met you. And it would be so awkward if in fact it turned out that you did NOT have two arms.
Anyway. You rule. So should every hour of your day.
THIRD.
BoyKing and I basically had BoyKing/Vizzini day the other day before he went off to college...
:::gut-wrenching sob:::
ahem.
But, we like sort of accidentally did all our favorite things.
Liiiiike, eat at Moe's and play Little Big Planet and make ugly faces and stupid noises at each other...and clean the kitchen. Ok. That part was not my favorite. BUT! Most importantly, we visited the YELLOW RIVER GAME RANCH! There, we saw a baby peacock with its mother. We crumbled up some cracker bits for mom and baby and they nibbled with delight.
So like, within a few seconds a bunch of ducks come waddling over like "HELLZ YES. GRAHAM CRACKERS." And MammaPeacock is all "FLAPPITY FLAPPITY! BACK UP OFF MY CRACKERS" and like you know goes after the ducks a bit.
Then? Little teensy weensy BabyPeacock? DOES THE SAME. Like, jumps straight up in the air all like "SQUEEEAKIN!" and like at the FULL SIZED DUCKS.
It? Was awesome.
Also? I pet a chicken.
FOR THE WIN!
It bears noting, that Husband is now the record holder for UglyPigKissing.
No. Not for KISSING ME YOU BITCHES. But rather for kissing the big hideous nasty pig named Wilma at the game ranch. We have all kissed her. And she has a thing for BoyKing now because of it. But Husband? Kissed her ugly ass (literally) for a full 4 seconds.
And now? I leave you. With WALL OF FLUFF.
Just so you know I'm all about the snuggle today.

God. People Are Such FREAKS.

You guys?

I have reached maddening levels of frustration. Like I literally just uttered a very loud, very audible "Oh my GOOOODDDD" because I simply could not contain my disgust at how very, very fucking freaked up people are.

So this dude right?

On a computer. Accessing his Yahoo account.

When he has a meltdown.

He calls RefSupervisor to his computer and says that the computer began asking him for all sorts of personal information. Like his address, and name and age.

And he LITERALLY WORD FOR WORD says the following:

FreakShow: It would appear to ME that the LIBRARY is collecting data on me. That the LIBRARY is watching what I do on this computer. That BIG BROTHER is keeping tabs on me through this computer.

Me: Oh my GODDDDDDDDDDD.

RefSupervisor: Um. I'm fairly sure that was just a pop-up.

FreakShow: So the LIBRARY isn't collecting data on me? Because that's what it seems like. It looks like that to me.

RefSupervisor: Well, it's not library policy to keep tabs on your computer work. We don't have any sort of system like that. I mean, we don't even keep track of the books you check out. Perhaps you'd feel better if you got on another computer.

FreakShow: No. NO. At this point? I am DONE. I don't need to use computers like this. But I AM going to check, and validate that what you say is true.

RefSupervisor: Um.Sure.

Like DUDE? What in the FUCK. BigBrother doesn't give TWO FUCKING SHITS that you are in here looking up freaking emails from your Uncle's Cousin's second Wife in Idaho. Like get a grip dude. Like ever hear of fucking SPAM? Are you a MORON? I just wanted to go up to him and smack him the face for being so fucking weird. Like yeah dude...we want to KNOW what PORN sites you're happening upon today. Believe me when I tell you that the LAST fucking thing I want to know is what you're doing on the computer.

KILL.

This Head Movie Makes My Eyes Rain

Ok. So I had this epic plan of keeping a daily journal in England right? And then like, I would just post those daily journals everyday for a week on this blog.

Yeah.

No. That didn't work. My daily EnglandJournal turned into dates, and a list of bulleted reminders...which included the following:

• COCKFOSTERS!
• WaggleDance at COCKFOSTERS!
• Kings Arms, wilting cigarette.
• The Globe-River of Blood.
• Soulless Julius Caesar
• Don't get in Ophelia's Boat!
• "Pardon me sir, but you're not speaking with any consonants." "WHUAH?"
• "Do you know Mickey Rourke? You know what he did? He's a fuckin' boxer man, a boxer!
• Don't give up on your dreams...do what you dream!"
• Butt rubber.
• Johnny Depp at New Theatre in 2010, think of scurvy, think of pirates, think of Johnny.
• "I've sent my boy with a sample of my water!"
• "At some point it became about protecting the fries."
• Absinthe-licorice on fire.

Anti-Foolishness Campaign

....and the list goes on. But, to sum up...if you are my FB friend you can look at all the amazing pictures. If not...imagine if you will the best 12 days of my nerdy, NERDY, tudor history/shakespeare obsessed life.

It was a surreal experience, which I will never, never forget. What a delight. I spent much of the trip crying because I was so overwhelmed. One of the other students asked why this was, and the only way I could describe it was by saying that actually being at these places I'd studied, loved, read about...was like reaching out and touching a thought...holding a dream in your hand.

Powerful shit dudes.
S
o sorry it has taken me so long to get back on track, but as soon as I got back it was IMMEDIATELY back to work, and then I got HAMTHRAX.

No. Not really....just bronchitis.

But it would've been WAY more interesting if I was all "OMG I HAVE PORK SNUFFLES."
So, I am slowly but surely recovering.

However, the library crazies wait for no one.

My second day back, we had a new crazy lady come in. She also was the victim of a bad weave.
So she comes in, and wants to get on a computer. But before she can do this, she goes up to the circulation desk and DEMANDS everyone's name. Let me paint a picture for you:
It's 10AM and we have literally just opened. She plows in, bad weave, in a patterned mu-mu and flip flops, carrying a giant dirty bag full of papers and folders. She stomps up to the circulation desk and starts demanding people's names. First and last.

Now, as government employees we are mandated to give out our name if we are asked, unless the person appears threatening. So one staffer is all "um, why do you need my name?"
BadWeave: I WILL SUBPOENA YOU! I WILL SUBPOENA YOU FOR YOUR NAME. I'm an ATTORNEY. Call! CALL THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE. They'll know! You can ask THEM why I need your name!

So she continues to act up, shouting down the length of the library...
BadWeave: REFERENCE! REFERENCE! It is not recognizing my number.

Then Babs has to get involved as she happens to be in charge on this day, because the lady is like continually demanding people's names.

And BadWeave like whips a dirty ass notebook out of her dirty ass bag with like all sorts of phone numbers in it saying that Babs needs to call the Justice Department and THEY will know why she needs all our names. She also told Babs that she was an attorney...
BadWeave: I'm an attorney. ANNE. ANNE EINSTEIN. Like ALBERT.
So of course, Babs looks her up....not an attorney.

Obviously.

And the phone number she gave for the Justice Department was in fact to the head of the continuing education department.

Anyway.

So she's all belligerent but manages to be UnCrazy enough to get on her email (which is more than can be said for many perfectly sane library patrons) and then leaves.
She is then found in the parking lot writing down every single license plate number.
Then, she comes back in, sits by the trash can and rips all her papers up into tiny pieces and throws them away.

Said papers? COVERED IN LICENSE PLATE NUMBERS.

I mean, like I get it. Crazies. They can't help it.

But like, we are not TRAINED to deal with mentally ill people. Like this woman was going APESHIT. I mean what is she just lost it and pulled out her weave and threw it at Babs? Like who knows dude. But all I know is that I went to school to help people research and design library collections. I did NOT go to school to learn how to diffuse mentally ill folks who ride the marta line up and down all day spreading the crazy.