That's Just Not Right

Ok...

First of all, that dude who totally touched my boob here at the library? Was BACK today. He is, in fact, A CREEPER.

He totally walked up to the RefDesk and was like "Hello."

Me: Hello.

BobTheBoobGrabber: How are you?

Me: Fine.

BtBG: :::hovers:::

Then like walked away. BUT, continued to return to take a few pass-by strolls in front of the RefDesk and stare creepily.

Really dude?

BLECH.

OK, so what I MEANT to blog about was the insane dream I had last night.

So, in my dream, I am POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL.

Yes.

In my POSSESSED STATE the DEVIL forces me to suffocate myself on my pillow.

And THEN I DIED.

Yeah. I freaking DIED in my dream. But I could still see out through my DEAD EYES. Like I could see everyone gathering around me and telling some little kid not to look at me because I was dead...I could SEE OUT MY DEAD EYES UNTIL THEY COVERED ME WITH A SHEET.

WHAT.

How freaking jacked up is that?!

It's Monday! Let's Eat Babies!

Ok, so one of our regulars is here today....you know....'cause he's a regular.

And like, he's only usually MODERATELY creepy, mainly because of what he looks like. Like he kind of looks like if James Brown and Rick James combined to form Captain SoulWeave. He also sometimes wears hospital scrubs tops with his pants.

I do not think he works in a hospital.

ANYWAY. He usually comes by himself and like sits and reads EVERY PAPER in the building.

Today?

He brought....A BABY.

Yes. A baby. A baby that appears to be covered in ceremonial bells.

Or, maybe that's just a mobile.

I DON'T KNOW.

Baby has not yet made a noise. I think Baby....is for eating.

Look. I'm just saying? Baby in NO WAY belongs to Captain SoulWeave.

I'm keeping vigilant watch.

I did however have to turn away for a moment because a patron asked me how I tied my FASHIONABLE SUMMER SCARF.

Well, let's call it a Fashionable AUTUMN Scarf, seeing as how the seasons have changed, and although it is light-weight, it does contribute some warmth. In fact, it's the time of year for me to look like a consumptive Victorian again. The Library's thermostat is broken, and I will constantly be wearing scarves indoors to protect my delicate nature from TB.

I am not looking to emulate THAT part of Bright Star thanks very much.

Speaking of, go and see that film. Just beautiful....understated, quiet and lovely.

:::weeps::::

That Ben Whishaw? Expect more great things.

I will leave you with the following....

Just now, I have been asked to please monitor some creepy dude in the stacks who is surfing the Free Wireless Wave on his laptop. Apparently, he's been banned from like every other place in [City Where I Work] that offers free wireless for looking at kiddie porn.

So now I have been asked, to go over there periodically to see what he's looking at.

Um.

No? Like I don't want to see PORN. I have already seen enough PORN at the library to last me 3 goddamn lifetimes. Does no one think that mayhap I will be scarred beyond all reason if I have to see this shiz? I am not trained to deal with this kind of crap.

I'm a BOOK PUSHER people.

Oh, SPARE me. That's all I ask. I am at the point where literally, if I have to tell this creeper to please stop looking at HORRIBLE HORRIBLE THINGS I may just lose.my.mind.

I also may not be able to refrain from spitting on him or kicking him in the jaw.

Again.

Not trained to rationally handle such things.

Poor, poor, dead soul.

You were just too high strung.

What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?

Hey, hey! Look at me! New home! New post! It's a BRAND NEW DAY OF AWESOME! And? I'm wearing an amazingly hot pair of boots.

OK, so the day before yesterday lady comes in right? And she kinda looks like Emma from Glee if Emma from Glee where dressed up as Baby Jane for Halloween.

Like she has this bleached blond bob, which may have actually been a wig, and like, crazy ass makeup on. Her eyebrows have clearly been shaved off and replaced with a surprised line of RED PENCIL. She is clearly spray-tanned, and wearing and extremely low cut black shift dress and little puffy sleeved jacket. She is only checking out books about Marilyn Monroe and Jean Harlow.

Like...I get it lady. You're trying to look like an Old Hollywood Bombshell.

Instead? You look like an Old Hollywood Tranny.

Good luck to ya!

Also, I feel the need to share something with all of you. Y.B.P.M (Young Bonny Prince Malcolm) showed this to me, and it pretty much changed my life.

This is what you will be reading the remainder of your Friday:

BEHOLD!

Also? I don't know what's up with people's laundry situations of late? But there have been a crap-ton of folks up in here smelling like some SRS mildew.

Like how do you NOT know you smell like that when you leave the house. I have been told I have a bizarrely sensitive sense of smell (SUPERPOWER?!) but I mean, If I can smell the fact that there are spores of disgusting growing all up in your cardigan from across the RefDesk? You have an issue.

I mean, it's either mildew, or this a tribe of cats going around the area peeing in people's laundry baskets.

Either way, it's not OK.

I'll Never Be Ticklish Again

Ok, so this past weekend we had a matinee production of [EvenNewerPlay!] right? So like it's sunny, and lovely out. And like, for this play, me and my witchy counterparts are barefoot. I.E., naked feet. So me and InternWitch are all creeping up the stairs onto this platform...when suddenly...

OMG!BURNINGRINGOFPAINANDFIRRRE!

You guys? That platform? Was like HOT ASPHALT. No. Worse. Like HOT ASPHALT covered in GLASS that's like JUST been melted. And the thing is? Me and InternWitch can not suddenly be all "Holy SHIT! That's FUCKING HOT. Get me THE F off this thing!" We just have to keep on going...each starting at each other knowing that other knows that she knows that I know that we both know that everyone's feet are on fire. Also knowing that PrincessSean is about to make HIS entrance and we have no way of warning him of the pain he is about to endure.
It? Was kind of hilarious. Mostly because as soon as we exited we all just went "OH MY GOD MY FUCKING FEET."

Sigh.

The THEATRE.
So, naturally, we all made mud slippers for Act II.

And you know? I was gonna blog today about this super creepy stalker guy who frequents the library, and somehow found me at said matinee and hovered...creepily...by me even though I clearly had ZERO interest in talking to him and was like literally talking to every single other person/animal/plant in a 10 mile radius and ignoring him yet he did not cease hovering until I acknowedged him...but then the universe threw me a bone.

A lady told me I had "such pretty, white teeth" WIN.

This followed quickly by a young man, who is here a lot and whom I am always looking up like dog rescue info for who is super sweet literally just says to me:

DogHero: Hey Jessica! How are you today?

Me: Well, little bit of a cold.

DogHero: I'm sorry to hear that! I'm excited because today is my birthday!

Me: Awesome! Happy birthday!

DogHero: Yep! I'm going to Olive Garden and everything!

Me: BREADSTICKS!

DogHero: For rrrrreals. But I just wanted to tell you that it is really a blessing to have you here. You are so helpful, and so kind, and just so sweet. And I really appreciate it.

Me: ::GASP:: Thank you!

DogHero: You need to hear that, and you should hear that.

Me: Well...maybe...just a little bit.

I was SO flattered, I turned purple. Those who know me know I have an amazing gift for undermining every compliment I'm given, but today? I just took this one in.

Brotha From Anotha Motha

Um. Sorry that I fail you guys.

But like...it's tech week? Which means all I'm doing is rehearsing, working, rehearsing, laundry, eating, possibly sleeping, then getting up and doing the same.

Also? THIS BLOG has been taking much of my creative energy...but it's SO worth it. So read it. Bitches.

Ok, so the other day we had a staff meeting here at Los Librarios Des Publicos and we were talking about the various behavior problems we have in the library. We were discussing like, keeping track of it, and then like sending our little "tracking list" to the higher ups to be like HALLLLP. And like, BossLady is all "Yeah, and like we would give repeat offenders 'nicknames' or something so that we know who we're talking about and we can track continual problems."

Hey! I just so happen to already HAVE a place where I track inappropriate library behaviour and give people nicknames!

I of course did not say this out loud...seeing as how they would FIRE ME. And then SUE ME.

But like, she gave this AMAZING example of this guy that used to come around that they called SilverBritches.

HAAAAAAAAAA!

Well, they called him SilverBritches because he would always wear these shiny silver spandex shorts and park himself in front of the RefDesk so that the Librarians could have a perfect view of his shiny, silver, spandex erection.

NICE.

And the day before yesterday? There was a man exposing himself to lady patrons in our library.

Yep.

I'm calling him NoBritches.

And lemme just tell you? First time I see ANYONE'S Mr.Peeper here? I am NEVER coming back.

I Killed a Dude for Jesus

So, on the road this morning, I saw a bumper sticker that said "YES LORD! We WILL ride with you!" and it reminded me of a conversation I once had with some folks about how most Christian Pop/Rock songs are like...vaguely sexual.

I mean seriously. How many times have you heard some Christian Pop Diva singing about how she wants Jesus' love inside of her?

To prove my thesis, I thought I would go ahead and google some lyrics for you guys, and you can decide for yourself. I mean, all I am is a GoogleMonkey anyway right? For the record these are all from different songs.

I feel a burning, deep inside of meI feel your Spirit, it's moving around me
I hear Your voice, You're calling me closer
I know that You're here, You're calling me closer
And I will...

Christ, the hunger for him.

Only by grace can we enter
And now by Your grace we come
We come
Now by Your grace we come

I don’t want to live
For anything but You
Jesus
And all I have to give
I give it all to You
Jesus
Every breath I breathe
I breathe for You
Jesus
And every word I’ll speak
I’ll speak for You
Jesus

For the record ALSO? If I wake up tomorrow suddently believing in G.O.D? I'm totally becoming a Jew. I hear the conversion process is lengthy and difficult, but I figure I don't have to get any bits of bits chopped off, so it can't be that bad.
Anyway. I just thought you guys might wanna know that. For whatever reason.

When Viewing and Printing Porn Just Isn't Enough

You should know that there is a man here.

Yes. Fascinating.

He is wearing some thug-tastic giant low-slung denim shorts.
When he left the RefDesk, turning his back to me...I got to see the back of said shorts.

On the back pockets, were two pictures of women..who were BOUND AND NAKED.

What.In.The.FUCK.

ETA to say that a woman just approached the RefDesk and said "My MapQuest keeps disappearing into a commercial."
GAAAAH.

Here at the Library, Sometimes One Must Read.

You guys? I must tell people how to print stuff AT LEAST 30-45 times a day.

Just repeating the same schpeal OVER and OVER and OVER again.

In an effort to help this, some time ago, a co-worker made a very handy and clear sign with step by step instructions and hung it right above the print station.

And you guys? Not so much with the complicated.

So when people holla at me from the print station like "hey! I printed some stuff" or "how do I get my printed stuff?" or something to that effect, I will usually say:

Me: You're going to start at the computer right there. There's a sign directly in front of you with step by step instructions.

At this point one of several things happen...NONE of which include READING THE SIGN AND FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS.

They either frantically scan the air/wall/sky for the sign...which they never find OR they just stare at me blankly like "and?" until I just walk over there and do it for them OR they walk away from the computer and start blindly stabbing at the copier.

Like, what part of "START AT THAT COMPUTER and THERE IS A SIGN RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU" is so confusing?

ALL OF YOU DESERVE TO BE UNEMPLOYED.

Ok. That was a bit below the belt. I know.

I'm sorry alright?

Not all the way sorry, but like a LITTLE bit sorry.

OK! So JUST NOW some lady called about volunteering at the library right? And I didn't talk to her, my co-worker did ok? So I'm just going to transcribe the conversation as I heard it.
Ok, well volunteers at the library typically shelve book.

Mmm hmm. Well you simply need to come in and fill out an application...
Yes, an application.
Mmm hmmm. And then once that's approved we schedule and orientation...
Well...not currently. But I mean....sometimes they may have clowns scheduled for the children's programs.
Um...I don't know when and if there will be clowns.
Well...there's nothing with clowns scheduled right now that I can tell.
Ma'am. I don't know. I don't know if there will be any clowns in the future.
I cannot tell you that information. What is scheduled right now, for the next couple of months, does not appear to involve clowns.
Yes, if you needed to leave, you could just sign out and go.
Well, you will have to keep your eye on the program schedule...no ma'am. No one can make sure you know if there are going to be clowns...
Ma'am? Maybe you should think about volunteering elsewhere.

It's on FIRE? That's Weird.

Like that Kings of Leon song is hot? But like...what?

Anyway.

So, BoyKing called yesterday (which naturally filled my heart with giant spoonfulls of unicorn glitter and fairy dust) to tell me that he was cast in his first play at AlmaMater!

BoyKing: Yeah, so I got a part in [AlmaPlay]. It's uh...first name "first" last name "man." I think it might be a small part.
Me: Well....maybe First Man is only man?
BoyKing: I have three lines. I actually think the FULL NAME of my part is "First Man, In Passing". Like I literally just...pass through.
Me: Um. I'm terribly sorry for laughing my ass off right now at you.
BoyKing: No, no. Laugh away.
Me: Well....you know, if you need to run lines or anything you know I'm here for you. [LAUGHTER]
BoyKing: Thanks.
Me: And like, if you ever want to discuss like character development and motivation-you know call on me. [SNICKER]
BoyKing: Right.
Me: [STILL LAUGHING] Really, I am so sorry for laughing this hard. I can't stop!
BoyKing: No, it's fine. I'm gonna rock those three lines.
Me: Awwww, of course you are. And I'm going to totally scream WOOOO from the audience really loud when you "pass through." [HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH] God. Why am I such a BITCH.
BoyKing: I'm not entirely sure.
Me: Well, BoyKing, you'll ALWAYS be MY First Man....in Passing.[SNORT]

Lousy Plumber

You guys? We have a first today at the library.

I have seen ass crack.

Yep.

Way to go guy using the copier.

I'm actually sort of astounded that this is the first time in nearly 3 years of working in the public library that I've seen ass crack.

Also, for your laughing at how I earn my paycheck pleasure, today, my first Reference
Transaction of the morning:

Phone: RING RING
Me: Good morning, this is Reference. How may I help you?
TransmissionMistress: Hi. Can you google something for me?
Me: Um. Sure.
just so you know, people call us to "google" shit for them with increasing frequency. Like really? YOU TOO CAN GOOGLE.
TransmissionMistress: I need the phone number of a couple of companies.
Me: Sure. What companies are you looking for?
TransmissionMistress: Well, actually I just need you to google transmission repair shops north of atlanta and give me some phone numbers.
Me:....well. There are 274,000 results ma'am. Perhaps you'd like to narrow it down.
TransmissionMistress: Ok, read me the first 10
Me: [begins reading listings and phone numbers]
TransmissionMistress: No. Nope. Nope. No. Not that. No.
Me: Well, perhaps you'd like to narrow it down??

This lady? Had me google "transmission repair shops [insert city north of atlanta here]" several times, until I had given her appx 30 phone numbers.

LOOK. Even if you do not have the internerds immediately accessible? TRY THE PHONE BOOK. Or perhaps you can dial INFORMATION on your phone RATHER THAN THE LIBRARY.

Every fiber of my being YEARNED to just yell out "I AM NOT GOOGLE! YOU HAVE NOT CALLED GOOGLE. YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE AND I HOPE IT COSTS YOU LIKE 10 ZILLION DOLLARS TO FIX YOUR TRANSMISSION."

But then? They complain. And I would get yelled at. Which would then force me into doing very violent things.

Two words. Giant.Club.

Ok, THREE words.

Giant. SPIKEY. Club.

Anyway.

One thing I want to again reiterate today...and I know I say this a lot. And I'm going to say it again, not only to remind you guys, but to remind myself.
Never, never, forget to tell people they matter to you. That they are important to you. And that you love them, if you do. Life changes in an instant. In a blink. And no matter what you believe comes after this life, don't wait for whatever that is. Don't assign a meaning to suffering, or a justification. Just care for the person who suffers. Care for them, and comfort them. Don't expect or assume they have some reward coming in the great hereafter. Be their reward by being there, today, now, in this moment. Give hope, give laughter, give time, give of yourself. It makes a difference, of that I am sure.
And for my great Faerie Queen, I am thinking of you and sending you all the magic I have. I am thinking of your striking beauty, your powerful voice from another dimension, your incredible sense of humour that borders a little bit on insanity, and your unflinching support. I am thinking of the fact that you have already endured more than anyone should, and that I would not be so graceful as you if it were me. I am thinking that I am glad to know you, and lucky to perform with you. I am thinking that I look forward to telling you all this in person very soon.

You're Goin To Be a Zombie Board

That is literally what I just thought my co-worker said to me. She said "you're going to be a sounding board" but I heard zombie.
Interesting.
So. BoyKing said he was a little frightened and dismayed by how angry my last post was. So I read it over, and I too fear for my sanity.
So today? Big BloggySnuggle.
First of all, BoyKing moved into his COLLEGE DORM ROOM today. Yes. Our little man is all growed up and on his own. Let's give him a round of applause and hope he doesn't die! I mean, hope he doesn't funnel cheap beer! I mean hope he doesn't go home with the campus bicycle! I mean hope he orders vegetables on his pizza! I mean, hope he knows to wash colors in cold water!
Whatever. He's going to do awesome because he's the BoyKing.
Luckily, said college is only 30 minutes away, and even though he'll be all like making REAL friends and shit...i'll like be able to sense his presence.
Otherwise, I would be dressed in mourning and drowning my sorrows in a nice chianti.
Secondly, Spilasha, a regular reader and all around awesome lady has said via FB that she has had a rough morning. So let's all give her a virtual SnuggleHuggleKiss and say, at least you have two arms.
I mean. At least I THINK you do. I've never actually met you. And it would be so awkward if in fact it turned out that you did NOT have two arms.
Anyway. You rule. So should every hour of your day.
THIRD.
BoyKing and I basically had BoyKing/Vizzini day the other day before he went off to college...
:::gut-wrenching sob:::
ahem.
But, we like sort of accidentally did all our favorite things.
Liiiiike, eat at Moe's and play Little Big Planet and make ugly faces and stupid noises at each other...and clean the kitchen. Ok. That part was not my favorite. BUT! Most importantly, we visited the YELLOW RIVER GAME RANCH! There, we saw a baby peacock with its mother. We crumbled up some cracker bits for mom and baby and they nibbled with delight.
So like, within a few seconds a bunch of ducks come waddling over like "HELLZ YES. GRAHAM CRACKERS." And MammaPeacock is all "FLAPPITY FLAPPITY! BACK UP OFF MY CRACKERS" and like you know goes after the ducks a bit.
Then? Little teensy weensy BabyPeacock? DOES THE SAME. Like, jumps straight up in the air all like "SQUEEEAKIN!" and like at the FULL SIZED DUCKS.
It? Was awesome.
Also? I pet a chicken.
FOR THE WIN!
It bears noting, that Husband is now the record holder for UglyPigKissing.
No. Not for KISSING ME YOU BITCHES. But rather for kissing the big hideous nasty pig named Wilma at the game ranch. We have all kissed her. And she has a thing for BoyKing now because of it. But Husband? Kissed her ugly ass (literally) for a full 4 seconds.
And now? I leave you. With WALL OF FLUFF.
Just so you know I'm all about the snuggle today.

God. People Are Such FREAKS.

You guys?

I have reached maddening levels of frustration. Like I literally just uttered a very loud, very audible "Oh my GOOOODDDD" because I simply could not contain my disgust at how very, very fucking freaked up people are.

So this dude right?

On a computer. Accessing his Yahoo account.

When he has a meltdown.

He calls RefSupervisor to his computer and says that the computer began asking him for all sorts of personal information. Like his address, and name and age.

And he LITERALLY WORD FOR WORD says the following:

FreakShow: It would appear to ME that the LIBRARY is collecting data on me. That the LIBRARY is watching what I do on this computer. That BIG BROTHER is keeping tabs on me through this computer.

Me: Oh my GODDDDDDDDDDD.

RefSupervisor: Um. I'm fairly sure that was just a pop-up.

FreakShow: So the LIBRARY isn't collecting data on me? Because that's what it seems like. It looks like that to me.

RefSupervisor: Well, it's not library policy to keep tabs on your computer work. We don't have any sort of system like that. I mean, we don't even keep track of the books you check out. Perhaps you'd feel better if you got on another computer.

FreakShow: No. NO. At this point? I am DONE. I don't need to use computers like this. But I AM going to check, and validate that what you say is true.

RefSupervisor: Um.Sure.

Like DUDE? What in the FUCK. BigBrother doesn't give TWO FUCKING SHITS that you are in here looking up freaking emails from your Uncle's Cousin's second Wife in Idaho. Like get a grip dude. Like ever hear of fucking SPAM? Are you a MORON? I just wanted to go up to him and smack him the face for being so fucking weird. Like yeah dude...we want to KNOW what PORN sites you're happening upon today. Believe me when I tell you that the LAST fucking thing I want to know is what you're doing on the computer.

KILL.

This Head Movie Makes My Eyes Rain

Ok. So I had this epic plan of keeping a daily journal in England right? And then like, I would just post those daily journals everyday for a week on this blog.

Yeah.

No. That didn't work. My daily EnglandJournal turned into dates, and a list of bulleted reminders...which included the following:

• COCKFOSTERS!
• WaggleDance at COCKFOSTERS!
• Kings Arms, wilting cigarette.
• The Globe-River of Blood.
• Soulless Julius Caesar
• Don't get in Ophelia's Boat!
• "Pardon me sir, but you're not speaking with any consonants." "WHUAH?"
• "Do you know Mickey Rourke? You know what he did? He's a fuckin' boxer man, a boxer!
• Don't give up on your dreams...do what you dream!"
• Butt rubber.
• Johnny Depp at New Theatre in 2010, think of scurvy, think of pirates, think of Johnny.
• "I've sent my boy with a sample of my water!"
• "At some point it became about protecting the fries."
• Absinthe-licorice on fire.

Anti-Foolishness Campaign

....and the list goes on. But, to sum up...if you are my FB friend you can look at all the amazing pictures. If not...imagine if you will the best 12 days of my nerdy, NERDY, tudor history/shakespeare obsessed life.

It was a surreal experience, which I will never, never forget. What a delight. I spent much of the trip crying because I was so overwhelmed. One of the other students asked why this was, and the only way I could describe it was by saying that actually being at these places I'd studied, loved, read about...was like reaching out and touching a thought...holding a dream in your hand.

Powerful shit dudes.
S
o sorry it has taken me so long to get back on track, but as soon as I got back it was IMMEDIATELY back to work, and then I got HAMTHRAX.

No. Not really....just bronchitis.

But it would've been WAY more interesting if I was all "OMG I HAVE PORK SNUFFLES."
So, I am slowly but surely recovering.

However, the library crazies wait for no one.

My second day back, we had a new crazy lady come in. She also was the victim of a bad weave.
So she comes in, and wants to get on a computer. But before she can do this, she goes up to the circulation desk and DEMANDS everyone's name. Let me paint a picture for you:
It's 10AM and we have literally just opened. She plows in, bad weave, in a patterned mu-mu and flip flops, carrying a giant dirty bag full of papers and folders. She stomps up to the circulation desk and starts demanding people's names. First and last.

Now, as government employees we are mandated to give out our name if we are asked, unless the person appears threatening. So one staffer is all "um, why do you need my name?"
BadWeave: I WILL SUBPOENA YOU! I WILL SUBPOENA YOU FOR YOUR NAME. I'm an ATTORNEY. Call! CALL THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE. They'll know! You can ask THEM why I need your name!

So she continues to act up, shouting down the length of the library...
BadWeave: REFERENCE! REFERENCE! It is not recognizing my number.

Then Babs has to get involved as she happens to be in charge on this day, because the lady is like continually demanding people's names.

And BadWeave like whips a dirty ass notebook out of her dirty ass bag with like all sorts of phone numbers in it saying that Babs needs to call the Justice Department and THEY will know why she needs all our names. She also told Babs that she was an attorney...
BadWeave: I'm an attorney. ANNE. ANNE EINSTEIN. Like ALBERT.
So of course, Babs looks her up....not an attorney.

Obviously.

And the phone number she gave for the Justice Department was in fact to the head of the continuing education department.

Anyway.

So she's all belligerent but manages to be UnCrazy enough to get on her email (which is more than can be said for many perfectly sane library patrons) and then leaves.
She is then found in the parking lot writing down every single license plate number.
Then, she comes back in, sits by the trash can and rips all her papers up into tiny pieces and throws them away.

Said papers? COVERED IN LICENSE PLATE NUMBERS.

I mean, like I get it. Crazies. They can't help it.

But like, we are not TRAINED to deal with mentally ill people. Like this woman was going APESHIT. I mean what is she just lost it and pulled out her weave and threw it at Babs? Like who knows dude. But all I know is that I went to school to help people research and design library collections. I did NOT go to school to learn how to diffuse mentally ill folks who ride the marta line up and down all day spreading the crazy.

Fancy a Tickle?

SO.

I'm leaving for England TONIGHT.

Longest.Day.EVARRRR.

I just wanted to pop in and say "Lata bitches", because even though I will have the interwebs while I'm over there, unless England basically SUCKS I don't think I'll be taking the time to blog.

However.

If something like SUPER AMAZING INTERESTING happens, mebbe.

But I will have epic stories to tell when I return, I'm sure. I get back in 12 days my fine friends, so I'll see you then.

In the meantime, why not dig around in the archives and fall in love with me all over again?

Some of my favorites:
Like Some Junkie 'Cause We're Not
What Have I Done to Deserve This?
IT'S TOO MUCH! TOO MUCH!
Episode 5: The CrAndy Strikes Back
Harry Potter is SO FLY
Harry Potter is SO FLY: Part Deux
That's Tight, Yo.
My Harry's Just Been Pottered
Don't Stand So Close to Me
There's Nothing False About Hope
Jew Envy
Use Your Toes Responsibly

Have a great next 12 days, I know I will!

Slip N Death

What up PLAYAS!

So, this past saturday was a big, BIG day. First, the baby shower for KitKat.

Yes, it is time to acknowledge that KitKat and The Yeti are soon to expect, YetiKat.

And it's AMAZING, and wonderful and I can't wait to teach him bad words.

I mean teach him SONGS. Songs. Like sweet baby-appropriate songs.

And then Saturday night, The Beav me and Babs went to The Dirty Triangle. ANd you guys? JOURNEY COVER BAND.

So.Awesome. Like, quite possibly BEST NIGHT EVER. Because not only did they cover Journey? But they were IN COSTUME. Yes. And? THEY WERE AWESOME.

So awesome in fact, that they even did Steve Perry's solo venture "Sherry"...which is perhaps one of my all time favorite songs. I mean I was totally a super-fan by the end of the night.
So much so that I will continue to STRONGLY push that Hooliet hire them to play her wedding.

And, on the way home I see that I have a voice-mail from BoyKing, left at midnight, which IMMEDIATELY sent me into OMGHEISDEADINADITCHANDICANNOTSAVEHIM mode. But I listened to it and it was this sweet like "um, just wanted to say hi!" type of thing...I come to find out this adorable message was because he had been playing The Oregon Trail and when he was fording the river, the arrow keys didn't work, thus he was not able to avoid the rocks....and I drowned.

I freaking DROWNDERNATED.

But you know, he just has to learn that risk and death are a way of life on The Oregon Trail. You don't reach your manifest destiny without sacrifice my friend.

Anwyay.

So, HOLYSHITILEAVEFORENGLANDONTHURSDAY so things are a little hectic (in an exciting way) right now. But yesterday I had like a little get together at my house to sort of say goodbye to some folks before I left...seeing as how I will not be able to keep up my usual habit of inundating people with texts for 12 whole days.

So, naturally-I bought a Slip N Slide and 250 water balloons.

Like ya do.

And of course there's like 10 zillion warnings on the Slip N Slide right? Like DO NOT USE THIS IF YOU ARE OVER 12 YEARS OF AGE. And DO NOT USE THIS IF YOU ARE OVER 5 FEET TALL. And the age old "DO NOT USE THIS IF YOU ARE OVER 110 POUNDS."

But we sort of felt that these were more, guidelines than anything else.

So, now I have a bruised knee and I may have actually ruptured some internal organs. Because something just feels REALLY AMISS in and around my rib cage.
BoyKing cut his toe open, scraped up both his knees and may not be able to have children.

However? Totally worth it because it's ridonkulously fun. And if you're my friend on Facebook you can see two pretty impressive videos.

What was hysterical too was that you know DaddyCap is just standing hosing down the Slip N Slide holding a drink while me and BoyKing take turns hurling ourselves down it...and it was just the funniest picture. Like DaddyCap is totally some father from the 50s like "ok, kids...alright...now, ok...let your sister go now...good boy...right-o".

Good times.

Also water balloon fights? Best idea ever. I'm just going to start having a stock of water balloons always on hand. You know, just in case.

Filling those bitches up was far more involved than I seem to remember.

The Earth? There are Pillars of it.

I couldn't even begin to tell you what I was dreaming about....probably just the SUNSHINE which I LONG TO BE BAKING IN.

Plus, I have hardly been sleeping. Farkin' Pillars of the Earth has totally been owning me. But I finished it finally last night in the wee hours. I really enjoyed it...my only issue, which is not really an issue, it's kind of what made it so great...was that I was constantly having to prepare myself for MORE AWFUL THINGS to happen. Like, 976 pages of high stress and suspense and VIOLENCE and DIRTY MIDDLE AGES STUFF is a lot to take.

And like, this might be TMI? But there is a lot of the sexing in this book. And like, I think I'm just hyper aware of it because I am normally reading at at High School level which is like some snuggling, some hand holding, and some slipping of the tongue....the rest of the action takes place "off-stage" if you will. Not gonna lie? Think I like it better that way. Like, I'm good with NEVER KNOWING what MiddleAgesLady looks like under her linen tunic that probably hasn't been washed for 2 years.

I mean SHE probably hasn't been washed for 2 years for god's sake.

Fark You.

This is my letter to the public.

Dear Ungrateful Wretches,
No. There is no quiet spot in this library. It is, if you haven't noticed, filled with people. And children. Because it's summertime, AND also tons of people (like YOURSELF) are unemployed and need free access to the internerds, and perhaps also air conditioning. When you mutter "This is the LOUDEST library I have EVER been in" under your breath after YELLING at me...it does not make me want to be the least bit helpful toward you. And you might want to consider the fact that YOU YELLING does not help your volume issues.
No, I cannot make your computer work. No, I do not know why it isn't working. No, you cannot check your email on my computer. No, I do not know your hotmail password. No, I will not buy you that book from Amazon. No,I cannot put you on a computer RIGHT NOW because there are none available RIGHT NOW. No, this does not mean I have a personal vendetta against you. No, this does not mean I am racist. No, I did not purposefully hi-jack the computers so they wouldn't work when you got here. Believe me, my day is INFINITELY better when you can happily surf your Anime porn sites uninterrupted.

Yes, you can have a comment card.

Bloody BRILLIANT

Ok, so GUESS WHAT?

Whatever, I'm sure like most of you know this already...but GUESS WHAT?!

I? AM GOING TO ENGLAND IN....(counts on fingers)

9 DAYS.

Yessir! I'm going with this class through [Alma Mater] and it's a trip which focuses on Willy Shakes himself...we'll be doing the London thing, but also going to Oxford to stay in the dorms for 5 days and work with the FREAKING OXFORD SHAKESPEARE COMPANY.

It's pretty much like my Nerd Mecca.

Anyway, so this past Thursday I went with said class to go see a production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream" at the Georgia Shakespeare Festival.

If you'd like my review? You may email me personally. But I have a No Discussion of Wheely Office Chairs policy on this particular blog.

ANYWAY. So. DrProfessorTeacher is introducing me around to the rest of the class before the show...see these are college students who get to meet regularly...I'm just the old lady who's auditing.

DrProfessorTeacher: [to young male student] This is Jesse. She'll be going on the trip with us, and hopefully this fall she'll be taking some theatre classes here.

YMStudent: Oh, cool! So, you're a freshman?

Me: YES. YES I AM A FRESHMAN.

Best.Day.Ever.

HE THOUGHT I WAS A FRESHMAN. I think I'm going to just start telling people I'm 18? And see how far I can get. Anyway, this boy is my new BESTIE FOR LIFE. Sorry BoyKing, you snooze you LOOZE.

Lose.

Whatever.

Also, I called AT&T today to see about getting some international minutes/texts whatevs, since I'm going to be over there for 12 days.
Customer Service Rep actually says the following:

DumbBitch: England isn't on my drop down selection list. Is that part of the United Kingdom?
...
OMG. YOU SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO LIVE.

So naturally, I cannot trust a single bit of information she gave me.
In other news? I saw John Legend in concert last night? He is a very, very tasty man. Hottttttt. And an INCREDIBLE live show in case you were wondering. I love watching legitimately talented folks.

Who are also hot.

Hot with like 14 ttttttts.