Some Light Reading

You should be aware that this is my 2nd to last day at the Library.

EEEE!

Also, there are a grand total of FIVE PATRONS in here today because the roads are covered with icy death. They will be all day mind you, because it's not supposed to get above 28 degrees. This? Is like an EndTime scenerio for Atlanta.

So, I'm here. Bored. Freezing. Waiting to die driving on the way home.

It's great.

No, really, it is.

WHY MUST I BE HERE. Ok. Only good things about today:

1. I have a Dominoes Pizza gift card. And as much as Dominoes Pizza kind of makes me want to yack, I'm going to order some. They will bring it me, and I will gorge myself on cheese and bread.

2. There are cookies in the breakroom

3. .....

That's it.

Ok, so a lady just called and was like...

FranticaErotica: Hi! Do you have any books by Zane or any erotic novels?

Me: :::decidedly NONEroticSigh::: We do have books by Zane, but they are not checked in.

FranticaErotica: I just need you to find some books that are good to read on the bus. Like some black people books that are like love stories. I need books TODAY.

Me: Um...well we have an African American Fiction section you can come in and take a look at.

FranticaErotica: No. I need someone to just go pick out some for me. I'm in a cab and I can't hardly walk.

OK, WTF?!

Anyway, so me, being me, just goes and pulls books for her. I just picked anyone that had a black man's abs on the cover.

Those should be good for the bus right?

The Great Clean Out

...of my life.

Later! You've all been thrown away.

No, no. Not yet anyway.

So, I started cleaning out my desk at the Library today, and like it's almost 3 years worth of stuff. This? Mind you, is the longest I have ever been at one job.

I'm so responsible.

Ok, so like...here are the contents of my desk drawer:

1. No less than 10 thousand paperclips
2. 6 sharpies
3. 3 Hi-liters
4. stamps, and stamp pads...we librarians LOVE to stap shit. Like BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! STAMP!
5. 5 post-it pads
6. SEVEN PAIRS OF SCISSORS

Why on EARTH did i have 7 pairs of scissors? How does that even happen? Like we have a 131 million dollar deficit from me hoarding scissors.

Clearly.

I was so petrified to reveal the fact that I had THAT many pairs of scissors stashed away in my desk? Because honestly, like, they would probably beat me with sticks.

Luckily...we are so grossly understaffed that everyone was entirely too busy to notice me taking a bucket 'o scissors to the supply room.

Also, a friend of mine...let's just call him YBPM...is involved in this project:

http://watchscenestealing.com/index.asp

And if you read the Frank's Blog part? The first one all gives a shout out to the "nice ladies" at the public library, so I was all "awwwww, YBPM! You sweet little honey badger, giving me a shout out!"

He didn't write it.

Which is both a positive AND a negative. Positive in the sense that there is another human being on the planet that actually refers to ladies at the public library as "nice" and also has great respect for the public access computers, and negative in the sense that I have to strike YBPM from my friends list because he doesn't appreciate my service to the community enough.

Consider him stricken.

It's a new year baby! IN YO FACE!

Ok, not really.

You live to see another day YBPM. You may thank me later.

Greet THIS! Seasons!

Ok.

So it's DAY ONE of my final week at the library.

:::gleeful clapping:::

And it's greeted me in such fashion as to continually validate my choice to depart every.waking.second.

First things first, yours truly had to stock the lobby with TAX FORMS because if people don't have their TAX FORMS the first week in January, BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO THEM.

We currently have a 40 minute wait for the computers which naturally makes the entire population utterly furious and assume that I have a personal vendetta against them and I am purposefully creating false computer wait times in order to spite them

Right now there is a man, whom I will dub CrazyWyclef, who has made camp at the table directly in front of the RefDesk. He asked to borrow a pen. I gave him one. When he returned it, he leaned allllll the way over the desk and like slid the pen right next to my computer mouse.

Um. K.

Now he is doing this elaborate circular pacing dance in front of the desk periodically heaving sighs.

Whatever dude. Also, he's been asking passing strangers where the bathroom is. I've told him where it is twice.

OMG ALSO!?!

There's this guy who's been coming in. He's a newbie. He's probably like....32, 33 years old maybe? And like seriously, he is SO polite and SO gentlemanly...

AND SO CREEPY.

Now, I don't know if it's the fact that I have been hardened against the whole of humanity from my work here OR because he sounds EXACTLY like this guy:

And not like the ACTOR, but specifically Philip Padget: MURDERER/STALKER from "Milagro" from The X-Files, Season 6.

You guys, EEEEEERIE.

Now, I know there was a time that I wished the X-Files were for totals real? And I could go work at the FBI and find a steamy partner who was tall, lanky, literate, lean, funny, passionate, slightly crazy so that I could fix him and we could unlock conspiracies together and maybe make out a lot...and also a time where I was literally able to connect every single thing that occurred in my day to something in the X-Files....

BUT!

I do not want my heart to be ripped out by a psychic surgeon!

OK?!

The End And/Or Beginning of an Era

Ok dudes.

I'll admit it.

I had given up on this blog. I was over it. I said "pshaw, I am now too bitter to find amusement."

Then? Thanks to Babs, I discovered this.

It brought me SO much joy, and if you like me, you will LOVE her because she's basically like Me:The Uber Upgrade.

And I was like, if bitch has funny shit to say, I still have funny shit to say.

And by bitch, I mean if Jeebus loved me he would allow us to meet, fall in love, and become besties for life.

Anyway.

Imma start off with some big BIG news.

I have resigned from the library.

Don't all get up at once.

Yes, my dulcet darlings, no more will you or I be plagued with the disgusting swarm that is the American Public. My last day is January 11th, and yours truly will be doing a number of things instead.

1) Going back and getting a second B.A. at Alma Mater FULL TIME in Theatre with a minor in Shakespeare and Renaissance Studies. Yes, this means I will be in class with a lot of under grads. Yes, this means that Teen Huggle Snuggle Fun Ranch Home for Wayward Teens may in fact fill to capacity.

2) Pursuing a career in acting/performance. So now you get to follow the progress of an unemployed poverty stricken Bohemian. EXCITED YET?!

3) Writing plays/books/blogs/nasty notes to leave in people's lockers.

4) Developing EduShakespeare programs for teens. I even have an intern. I shit you not.

Library, I gave you my best effort. And you took that best effort, you put it in a shame sandwich, slathered it with disappointment, shook a little salt pepper, and shattered dreams over it, popped it in the toaster, and then you eated it.

Along with my soul.

Which you killed.

So here's me giving this another shot. Though I make no promises. I am after all, still a girl.

That's Just Not Right

Ok...

First of all, that dude who totally touched my boob here at the library? Was BACK today. He is, in fact, A CREEPER.

He totally walked up to the RefDesk and was like "Hello."

Me: Hello.

BobTheBoobGrabber: How are you?

Me: Fine.

BtBG: :::hovers:::

Then like walked away. BUT, continued to return to take a few pass-by strolls in front of the RefDesk and stare creepily.

Really dude?

BLECH.

OK, so what I MEANT to blog about was the insane dream I had last night.

So, in my dream, I am POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL.

Yes.

In my POSSESSED STATE the DEVIL forces me to suffocate myself on my pillow.

And THEN I DIED.

Yeah. I freaking DIED in my dream. But I could still see out through my DEAD EYES. Like I could see everyone gathering around me and telling some little kid not to look at me because I was dead...I could SEE OUT MY DEAD EYES UNTIL THEY COVERED ME WITH A SHEET.

WHAT.

How freaking jacked up is that?!

It's Monday! Let's Eat Babies!

Ok, so one of our regulars is here today....you know....'cause he's a regular.

And like, he's only usually MODERATELY creepy, mainly because of what he looks like. Like he kind of looks like if James Brown and Rick James combined to form Captain SoulWeave. He also sometimes wears hospital scrubs tops with his pants.

I do not think he works in a hospital.

ANYWAY. He usually comes by himself and like sits and reads EVERY PAPER in the building.

Today?

He brought....A BABY.

Yes. A baby. A baby that appears to be covered in ceremonial bells.

Or, maybe that's just a mobile.

I DON'T KNOW.

Baby has not yet made a noise. I think Baby....is for eating.

Look. I'm just saying? Baby in NO WAY belongs to Captain SoulWeave.

I'm keeping vigilant watch.

I did however have to turn away for a moment because a patron asked me how I tied my FASHIONABLE SUMMER SCARF.

Well, let's call it a Fashionable AUTUMN Scarf, seeing as how the seasons have changed, and although it is light-weight, it does contribute some warmth. In fact, it's the time of year for me to look like a consumptive Victorian again. The Library's thermostat is broken, and I will constantly be wearing scarves indoors to protect my delicate nature from TB.

I am not looking to emulate THAT part of Bright Star thanks very much.

Speaking of, go and see that film. Just beautiful....understated, quiet and lovely.

:::weeps::::

That Ben Whishaw? Expect more great things.

I will leave you with the following....

Just now, I have been asked to please monitor some creepy dude in the stacks who is surfing the Free Wireless Wave on his laptop. Apparently, he's been banned from like every other place in [City Where I Work] that offers free wireless for looking at kiddie porn.

So now I have been asked, to go over there periodically to see what he's looking at.

Um.

No? Like I don't want to see PORN. I have already seen enough PORN at the library to last me 3 goddamn lifetimes. Does no one think that mayhap I will be scarred beyond all reason if I have to see this shiz? I am not trained to deal with this kind of crap.

I'm a BOOK PUSHER people.

Oh, SPARE me. That's all I ask. I am at the point where literally, if I have to tell this creeper to please stop looking at HORRIBLE HORRIBLE THINGS I may just lose.my.mind.

I also may not be able to refrain from spitting on him or kicking him in the jaw.

Again.

Not trained to rationally handle such things.

Poor, poor, dead soul.

You were just too high strung.

What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?

Hey, hey! Look at me! New home! New post! It's a BRAND NEW DAY OF AWESOME! And? I'm wearing an amazingly hot pair of boots.

OK, so the day before yesterday lady comes in right? And she kinda looks like Emma from Glee if Emma from Glee where dressed up as Baby Jane for Halloween.

Like she has this bleached blond bob, which may have actually been a wig, and like, crazy ass makeup on. Her eyebrows have clearly been shaved off and replaced with a surprised line of RED PENCIL. She is clearly spray-tanned, and wearing and extremely low cut black shift dress and little puffy sleeved jacket. She is only checking out books about Marilyn Monroe and Jean Harlow.

Like...I get it lady. You're trying to look like an Old Hollywood Bombshell.

Instead? You look like an Old Hollywood Tranny.

Good luck to ya!

Also, I feel the need to share something with all of you. Y.B.P.M (Young Bonny Prince Malcolm) showed this to me, and it pretty much changed my life.

This is what you will be reading the remainder of your Friday:

BEHOLD!

Also? I don't know what's up with people's laundry situations of late? But there have been a crap-ton of folks up in here smelling like some SRS mildew.

Like how do you NOT know you smell like that when you leave the house. I have been told I have a bizarrely sensitive sense of smell (SUPERPOWER?!) but I mean, If I can smell the fact that there are spores of disgusting growing all up in your cardigan from across the RefDesk? You have an issue.

I mean, it's either mildew, or this a tribe of cats going around the area peeing in people's laundry baskets.

Either way, it's not OK.